"665"

That was the answer my cousin gave when asked how many days there were in a year.

2010 felt that long to me. Felt much longer than 2009. I don't know why. There were many things I had to deal with and had to go through. (But I can't write them down. Too secret thoughts, too deep fears.)

Academically speaking, this was a year of confusion and self-doubt. I started the year as a philosophy major. Then Logic happened. (But it wasn't just that) Then the summer-long deliberation and nights of "which do I really love more?" And I'm now ending the year as a history major, certain I have made the right choice. I have so much fun in my classes, it's ridiculous. It feels right. I feel comfy where I am.

Both sets of results from both semesters always made me question myself, my abilities as a student. And then of course, I failed to get 5.0 for either of the semesters. So, like I have said many times, university teaches me time and time again, I'm not perfect. Maybe in the next 2 semesters, I'll finally throw up my hands and say "you win".

The only bright light in all of this is that my work really gives me joy. Really. So I can always bring myself back to it, no matter how much self-doubt there is (or how much there is.)

I wish I could say I have been a better girlfriend than I was last year. Haha. Did I ever really imagine I would succeed? And it's only going to get worse as the work gets tougher.

On the social front things look even bleaker I think. I think it was the staying in school. Very conducive to studying. Tended to spend great proportions of time simply cooped up and mugging (Also good for weight loss...). Also, random socially awkward moments with people.

No resolutions, just faint hope. (Maybe it's the growing old thing. You lose the foolishness that is inherent in speaking with conviction and certainty about the future. You learn to talk in mights, mays and ifs.) Hope that 2011 won't just be a count-down till a flight to Paris. Hope that I will be happy mugging and happy with what I get out of it, grades included. Hope that I won't feel the length of the year just weighing on me like this year.