To reiterate, I am so fucked this semester. I dream desperately of quiet and coffee and notes. Of course I speak metaphorically because of course, I am too damn shagged to dream when I hit the pillow. I must keep going. I must. There is no other way. What's the alternative? Suddenly readjust and feel it's okay to get second upper? I could never really truly succeed at that after 4 semesters of beating myself up over A-. Don't believe me when I tell you I am okay.

In non-academic news, I am swamped with I don't know what. I really don't. It is true that on paper I appear to not have anything to do. And yet my lived-experience of my day to day life suggests otherwise. Meetings and emails and meetings. At the beginning, I felt it would be hard to make friends with the people I work with. But now, it feels hard to work with the people I am friends with. I'm not sure there's a difference but the bottomline is, life is hard and even when you expect that, sometimes, it is hard in ways you did not anticipate. (This is... regarding an email I wrote recently at 3am.)

You would think I would have gotten over getting nervous meeting new and important people. I don't understand why I keep shooting myself in the foot in these situations. Urgh.

Trip to Hong Kong at the end of the year booked. So is the cruise to Thailand. And Wicked at MBS. It looks like it's going to be an awesome sort of Christmas and it only adds to my usual mid-second-semester longing for Christmas thing.