After zoning out somewhere during the long walk between YIH and Arts, I have finally put my finger on the heart of why I am so dissatisfied with how this semester is unfolding.

It a major reason of course is that I am fucking up academically. But I was prepared for that in some sense.

The real kicker is that I don't see or understand what I am fucking up my CAP for. I am sacrificing something that means a lot to me. And of course that's traumatic in itself. But if only I could understand what it's all been for, I feel like I would be able to justify the loss.

In other words, I am giving up a lot but I don't see what I am getting back or even what anyone is getting out of it...

Perhaps this is my quarterlife crisis. Like how some people go out and get a bright red convertible sports car. I got a student leadership position. And, I think I've hit the moment when it's like why the eff did I do this? and not finding a reason and feeling really stupid, out of place and... stupid.