Beverly D'Onofrio wrote a book once called Riding in Cars with Boys. This rant is nothing like the book I just wanted to steal her catchy little phrase to serve my own wicked purpose! Sincerely though, how many women out there live in a houseful of testosterone? It has become abundantly clear to me over the course of the last few months that my house hold and really the bulk of my time is spent with that of the opposite sex. It was even MORE abundant last night when I was run out of my own living room by two male dogs licking body parts, a man that ate too much and the odiferous aroma’s of the whole company of the three combined while I was trying to watch Law & Order. Now it does not matter that I never found out who killed who and who was the guilty party and the end of the story line from my show! Every woman (meaning me since I’m the only estrogen producer in my home) for herself, guzzle the last of your Cabernet and hold up in a safe room that smells of Lavender and gentle fabric softener!!!! Run RUN I tell you!!!!

Seriously though; my life is all testosterone, I live with a wonderful man, and two male dogs. I own two male horses, I work with predominantly men, and most of my friends are men. I spend at least a half an hour a day listening to mechanics discussions, and for some unknown reason they feel the need to share their wealth of pornography related emails with little old me! I’d like to take a step back and ponder and examine what this does to my fragile *ahem* female psyche. I do not consider myself a sissy girl, I grew up in rural Alaska, I chopped wood, carried water, I toiled, I commercial fished, shot guns, etc. I am not your run of the mill chicky-poo of Alaska. To be honest I enjoy my Carharts and getting filthy as much as I enjoy dressing up and Coach purses.

When I realize how my chosen lifestyle affects me the most is when I actually do on the rate occasion find myself fin the company of women. In mid conversation some horrifying comment laden with sexual innuendos will fall out of my mouth and leave the other “normal” girls complete aghast and speechless. Most of them with Martini glasses poised frozen to their lovely painted lips with manicured hands tensed… Their painted eyes are wide and one or two will nervously giggle at my joke, but inevitably my mannish comment is not well received and I am met with someone saying “Teresa that was disgusting!!!” all of the sudden I’m transported back to my living room saying “Jon that’s disgusting!!!” only I feel terribly embarrassed instead of laugh my ass off! It doesn’t feel so good I tell you! It just doesn’t feel good at all!

In conclusion, I would not change anything in my life. I am a happy girl, I can’t say I’m well adjusted though because I always seem to stick my stiletto foot in my mouth with some form of lewdness around my girlfriends. For instance tonight I’m going to a nice bar for drinks and appetizers with a girlfriend; my modus opperandi will go something like this. I’m going to tread carefully much like a child who watches NC-17 rated movies at another kid’s house and has to exercise self control as to not let the blasphemy they just learned spill out in front of adults and parents. Yes that’s what I will be tonight, a real girl, one that does not curse too loudly, guzzle their drink too fast, and tell jokes that are so dirty they make mechanics laugh. It might even be fun? Oh who am I kidding, I’m me, I’m warped and it is what I am, actually I think the gals invite me along for entertainment. However if I ever downwardly spiral so far down that I make the dogs run from the living room, it might be time to take yet another introspective look at my life.

Until next time, may your curses make others laugh and may you shock and appall all those around you!