I've always had a problem with my weight. Whether it was a lot or a little bit, I've carried extra weight for as long as I can remember. For whatever reason, I never quite learned how to eat when I was hungry and stop/not eat when I wasn't hungry. So I ate to feed emotions, because I was bored, because it was in front of me, because someone else was eating... you name it and it was an excuse for food to enter my system.

When I got married, I followed my husband's eating patterns. After all, he was slender so he must be doing something right. Those of you who know E__ are pretty much laughing your asses off now. He was slender because he spends most of everyday walking and not eating. His main calorie intake happened at night when I saw him. So his after work snack, pre-dinner snack, dinner, after-dinner snack, pre-snack snack…well, I saw it as the small meals that were being recommended by nutritionist everywhere. Except what he was then eating was mostly junk food. So lots of high calorie low nutrient food and lots and lots of exercise. But monkey see, monkey do and I snacked right along with him. And as he worked most of it off during the day, I spent my days behind a desk or counter snacking even more. And packed on the weight.

Enough was enough when my niece V__ was born. The day that I realized I couldn’t get down on the floor to play with her was a rough day. I had hit my highest weight ever; far surpassing the “I’ll never weigh X” total I had always lived with in my head. My friend C__ helped me out with recipe books, calorie counters and enough moral support for an army. I managed to lose 60 pounds and was starting to feel good about my accomplishment and myself.

And then my back committed mutiny. For a few months I could do little but lay around. And for several months after that I had to be very careful what I could physically do. And strangely enough, I managed to gain about 20 pounds back. But I vowed that I would get back on track as soon as I could.

Fate, however, had other plans. Before I was “100%”, I found out I was pregnant. So any sort of dieting was right out the window. I was permitted to continue my physical therapy and even added a no-impact aerobic workout. My midwife told me that it was possible to start at a higher weight and not have a huge weight gain. She even mentioned a friend of hers with a pre-pregnancy weight was close to mine who only gained a total of 11 pounds. I was feeling motivated and positive again. I was eating better than I ever had before and getting physical activity to boot. I even made it to the 20 week mark without gaining a single pound.

Somewhere soon after that things went awry. My distaste of anything sweet (cake, chocolate, candy, etc.) disappeared and my love of ice cream came screaming back. I found I couldn’t pass up the M&Ms in the vending machine. Or the extra helpings at mealtime. Or many other really crappy for me habits. And I managed to gain almost 20 pounds.

But I realized that I wasn’t even enjoying the food that I was stuffing in my face. And I thought to myself, “I wouldn’t let me newborn baby or toddler eat like this, why am I am allowing it at this point?” So I called my physical therapist and got back on track with my exercises. And I talked with my midwife about the weight gain. She told me that if I got back on track and was eating healthy (not cutting calories) and getting exercise (but not dieting), even if I should lose a few pounds the baby would be fine. And she was right. I did manage to lose about 4 pounds. Yay!

So what’s the point of all this?

I was out with friends last night. And one of them brought donuts and donut holes and set them down on the table in front of me (which I thought was due simply to location). And my E__ apparently saw a look on my face that told him I was taking the donut placement as a challenge to eat all of them (actually, I was just contemplating if I should even eat one. I was very hungry and dinner was on its way to us). So he made a (relatively) lighthearted comment about not putting sweets in front of a hungry pregnant woman who’s been fighting her weight. It was not meant maliciously but I didn’t take it well. I heard years of “you don’t need to eat that” comments ringing in my ears and felt myself starting the old thought process of “screw you, I’ll eat the whole damn thing, thank you very much”. But I let it go and fought the urge. I believe I then mentioned that the comment wasn’t appreciated and people telling me what I can and cannot eat was a sure fire way to piss me off.

But these are my friends we’re talking about. So one of them pipes up with a joking comment about a few moments later when I opened the box of donut holes (as they were in front of me; I was going to open them, take one and move the box to the center of the table). And I more vehemently informed him that I was very serious about my previous comment. I didn’t find it funny at all and was actually getting a bit angry. Said friend came around the table, gave me a hug and apologized. I thought the matter would end there.

But no.

It was a bit later and dinner still wasn’t there. And the friend who brought the donuts in the first place piped up with a comment like, “dinner is almost here, maybe you shouldn’t have another one.” Or something to that effect. Regardless, it was exactly what I had gotten pissed off about a short time before. And as he had been sitting virtually right next to me, I know he heard the original exchanges. And said friend has been on the Atkins diet and struggled with his weight in the past.

I was furious. I sat there debating my next move. Do I make a big stink about it, AGAIN? Could I still sit in the room? Did I even want to be in the house and around people anymore? In the end, I stayed where I was and had a pleasant rest of the evening. But today I find myself still upset. And at a loss as to what to do about it. Do I confront the person? Do I just let it go (unless it happens again)?

I’m leaning towards letting it go. E__ and I have already had the conversation about him not saying anything about my eating habits in public again. I don’t think he realized what a sensitive issue it for me even when I’m not pregnant, let alone when I have hormones surging through my system.

Add to the fact that I’m bloated again today and have to travel tomorrow and I’m having a devil of a time letting go of the fact that I’m just pregnant and all will be well, soon.

But, this has helped already.