I haven’t been sleeping very well or very much. So yesterday, I had a bit of coffee. Not a lot, fairly weak and well within acceptable caffeine levels, but still technically coffee. And whoo boy did it work.

Mind you, I’ve had the occasional diet soda, which usually does the trick if I really am having a hard time waking up/doing my job. But yesterday, I just needed an extra something-something.

And last night, waaaaay after I had the coffee, I had my first anxiety attack in months.

Now, it was nowhere near on par with what I used to have. I was not curled up in a little rocking ball in my room. I was not crying hysterically or afraid to leave my house – even to walk on the porch. But it was enough to scare me. Plus, while I didn’t have violent urges, I was definitely having violent fantasies.

So I’ve got to wonder – is it the coffee? It’s obviously not caffeine because I’ve had small amounts and haven’t felt that way. And if it is, well, what is it in the coffee does that? On the one hand, I’d like to experiment a bit and see if that really may have kicked it off. On the other hand, I really, really, really don’t like that feeling. And the possibility that at some point in the future my violent tendencies may focus not on my fully capable husband but on my baby…well…that’s a thought I don’t even want to continue.

I’m also a bit scared that as I’m prone to being nuts, I may get hit with a nasty postpartum something. I realize that’s putting the cart before the horse but I’d rather announce, “hey everyone! Keep an eye on me to make sure that I’m not going crazy” then have something unfortunate occur.

I’m pretty much back to normal this morning. A bit of the residual stomach knotted and upset but nothing that a few ginger snaps didn’t take care of. And I’m at work so all is well. But still, an interesting little experience.