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gabriel
Love and ferrets and pretending to be a writer.

2004-04-14 12:05 AM
paradoxical heart

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Mood:
Worried

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Been up (awake in the middle of the night even though I need to get up for good in a few hours) for a while reading definitions of a couple of metal illnesses, seeing whether one of htem fits what a friend of mine is going through. I think it is borderline personality disorder., It is more common than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (I have bipolar disorder). Up to 2% of the population has it and it affects women more often than men.

I heard this diagnosis of her one time, and remembered it tonight though I had not thought of it for some time.

I'll help her if I can, while protecting myself. She can be kind of strange. She's, well, usually kind of strange.

Like I can talk. But I am a lot less strange now that I am taking a good medication. Was on lithium for some years -- maybe five? Three? I don't know. I cannot remember. I do remember that lithium made me a zombie. Bad stuff, but it kept me out of the hopsital and functioning on some level. I wrote a lot when I was taking it.

I have been writng things for a few days now. Nothing of any interest to anyone but me, but I am important, too. To me anyway, and to a number of other people. I wonder how many? I wonder who cares? Some people are obvious. I care about some people myself, though I know that I am self-centered. I care about poeple. This sick friend, for instance, she has let me down so often that I don't rely on her a lot. But still she is my friend and I know she cares about me in her own way. She can be very sweet and I know that if I was in some big trouble she'd listen to me and try to help.

I don't know what to do. Worrying is not fruitful but there is not a lot I can do. I'll do the few small things I know to do. If she stays on her medicine for the stuff she' sofficially diagnosed witht then she will do a lot better. I wish she didn't have it so hard. Making it easy for her has not been profitable, however. She takes advantage of people and they go too far to help her and it only harms her. I am not going to keep my distance, not really, but only enough to protect my own self, my heart.

Of all the things you possess, there is nothing like your heart. You must guard it while giving it away. Paradox.

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:: JOURNAL HOME :: SUBSCRIBE TO THIS JOURNAL :: Click on Kathy Gabriel and read my stories :: 2-in-1 Romance by me (but the back cover's misspelled!. grrrrr.) :: November is National Novel Writing Month! :: The Feel Good Manual - happiness can be learned :: Mugs with the wet ferret :: Fractured Frugal Frieds - the best frugality site around :: The ferrets, and other pics by a talented local (very local) photographer :: Kettins_Bob's journal :: Clarion SF & F writing workshop :: Genevieve's journal (Clarion classmate) :: Phil's website (Clarion classmate) :: Nnedi Okorafor's blog (Clarion classmate) :: Online magnetic poetry :: Dave's interactive html tutorial :: Make a snowflake here - WARNING: Addictive! ::