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2011-02-27 9:45 AM
Blah-g #233 IMPORTANT READ

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So there really hasn’t been much happening. This has been just a really long week with fighting and misunderstandings with Master. So that’s had a big impact on how I feel and how I’m writing this.
I’d first like to say that I’ve given up on writing. I get to constructive criticism, reviews, not even you suck, you’re sick. I’ve gotten nothing. Master has been telling me that it was good but honestly I still don’t feel like it. So I just want to say I’m not gonna write any more. Simple as that, that way Master doesn’t get mad when he tells me I’m doing good and I go back and tell him wrong, and I won’t have to get my hopes up either about getting reviews or honest criticism.
Also don’t look forward for any new art since both scanners I have here in my house are broken and I don’t like taking pictures with my camera phone nor a regular camera.
I’ve also been dealing with shit inside my head that I won’t really go into detail because I know that no one actually reads this shit and those that do read this shit either don’t really comment or just leave small little snippets of what should be a regular convo but whatever.
I’m not going to contact anyone unless they contact me first unless it is absolutely necessary that I need to contact them first. I’m sick and tired of texting people, emailing them, leaving a god damn wall post on FB and not getting any god damn fucking responses. So that’s the reasoning behind that. Though Master is the exception since he’s ordered me more or less to text him as soon as I wake up unless told to do otherwise.
Thus far we’ve stop thinking about the future of “us”, well more like I’ve stopped thinking about our future right now since I have a duty do go to college and to be home. Though I’m sure within the next year or so he’s just not gonna let me come back home. Or he’s gonna come back here and shit’s gonna hit the fan. That is something I don’t need. I’m pretty sure that he’s gonna do the lesser of the two evils and just not let me go back home.
And as far as college is concerned now I don’t know what to do any more. I went into college intent on becoming an artist to go to the Art Institute of California and then that didn’t work out. I then decided that I wanted to be a writer and now that dream is dead. I don’t know what I want to do now. I still want to go to college, but as far as career and life wise I don’t know anymore. I feel like I’m lost and that there’s nothing I’m good at. (here Master would just get upset that I’m being all depressed and putting myself down) But I really don’t know anymore.
I also haven’t really been telling Master what’s wrong because I know he’ll just keep getting mad and want me out of here even more. I also haven’t been honest with myself about stuff either and its making me suffer and Master suffer because I don’t tell him. I dunno. I just don’t want to upset him or gross him out in any way.
Well other than that emotional bullshit and drama I’ve been doing pretty good in my classes this semester. So far I have an average A grade in my math and writing class. I’m not too sure what I have in my reading class since the last two class meetings were nonexistent Monday we didn’t have class because of Presidents day and then on Wednesday the teacher cancelled class because she was sick. Though I’m sure I’m at least a B or higher in the class. I haven’t missed any classes either. Might have been marked late once or twice since I’ve had a couple of close calls with that. I’m pretty sure that the reason this semester is turning out way better than last semester is I have even more time to do the homework by the due dates and I get more rest since they’re all in the morning and only about 2 ½ to a little under 3 hours a day spread out Monday thru Friday. That way when I get home I can nap from about noon til 2pm and still get to bed early enough to be able to wake up at 6am for the next day. Though that usually isn’t the case since I have to watch the youngest one while my mom naps and I just go to bed early or so I think and then I end up staying up for at least an extra hour or so and usually don’t get to bed until about midnight or sometimes later. Though I don’t really mind sometimes it does take it’s toll on me. Like a few weeks ago, I told Master I had been feeling like I was burnt out and I ended up taking a nap Friday around lets say 3:30pm and I got up around 7 to go to my room since I had fallen asleep in the living room. Then I went back to sleep at say 7:05 and didn’t wake up until about 1 or 2 Saturday.
I feel bad that I finally blew up at my friend. I guess she was just feeling lonely since her boyfriend is a marine and can’t really talk to him but c’mon. Every other text she sends is I want sex. I wanna get laid. I wanna take advantage of him. I want him to take advantage of me. I miss him. I can’t talk to him. I understand she needs someone to talk to about it, but she’s barely known this guy for not even six months. I’ve known Master for 6yrs. The first 3 yrs technically we didn’t have contact either. We had to get messages across through a friend of mine and that was rare. I also want to have Master take advantage of me but I don’t text it to her. I don’t tell her what I want Master to do to me. It bugs me when she says this stuff because I know exactly what she’s going through. It bugs me because I just don’t care. I tried being nice and not being a bitch about it but she still went ahead and did it. So I finally blew up at her and we haven’t talked since.
I dunno like I said I’ve been having a rough week, I’m spotting (females you know what I mean) and I haven’t had a blood period since December. Though I’m sure it’s due to the fact that I’m on BC. Which by the way I have another appointment for my 2nd dose March 16th, kinda bugs me that I was supposed to go back on March 10th and the latest I can get my 2nd shot is within 5 days and this is 6 days. Though like Master said it shouldn’t really matter since I’m not gonna be doing the nasty with anyone other than him and he’s not here. So it’s not really that much of a worry but knowing me everything fucking worries me.
Another thing that’s been bugging me is ever since I came back from PA during winter break, I’ve noticed that my hands and feet stay cold longer than they usually do. I know the main reason is that they are the farthest limbs from the heart and that they can’t get warm because they’re so far away. But even in bed with four blankets, 2 pairs of socks and a pair of slippers, my thickest jacket, and my gloves my hands (and some part of my arms) and my feet are still near freezing. I know its not health related because in November I was seen for my tonsillitis and other than that and standing to loose a couple of pounds I was pretty much healthy. So I don’t really know what’s causing it and it bugs me because I don’t know the reason why.
Anyways I think that’s it for now. I don’t really know what else to talk about.

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