==========================================

Location: Work.
Temperature: Chilly. Very chilly.
Listening: "The Way I Do" ~Melissa Etheridge.

Yesterday was incredibly surreal and I'm still trying to puzzle out the majority of the events and, more specifically, my reactions to them. I woke yesterday, hyper-conscious of the fact that it was my last full day with Peter in town for a while. Came home at lunch with that still very much in mind and snoozed with him for an hour. Returned to work only to be buried under tasks left over from my sick days on Monday and Tuesday. Returned home frazzled and tense from trying to complete my assignments and leave on time only to have to turn around and drive up to LA with Peter so that we could drop his car off at Austin's workplace (where he's offered to keep it for us for the three and a half weeks that Peter will be gone). Conversation with Austin about the trip and my lack of adequate vacation time ("Why aren't you going with him?" "I can't." "What--are you still a temp?"--as you can imagine, it ended somewhat poorly) tweaked me and then I ate too much too quickly at Johnny Rocket's on Melrose. There was an up moment at Matt DeWit's when Peter learned that he's been quietly contracted (in a manner of speaking) for his film treatment (an opportunity that literally fell out of the sky and into his lap this past week)--so his creative pursuits out here on the West Coast are looking way up all of a sudden and I couldn't be more pleased for him. Reminisced with DeWit and Jill for a while and then wandered to Williams' for more socializing before heading home.

Somewhere on the drive home, I got the song "In Your Wildest Dreams" by the Moody Blues stuck in my head and it was really all up for my kind at that point. Got sucked into a deep miasma of frustration and impending loneliness and some anger at my lack of freedom and control of my current situation. Black mood, to say the least. Became snappish with Peter and generally wasn't fit for human consumption by the time we arrived home and I went to bed fully clothed.

Peter came in and managed to persuade me to string together some less than sardonic sentences and we ended up talking til about 4AM. I never ask for anyone to change anything in their lives or to give me anything that I might want or need--somewhere along the line I decided it was selfish and unethical and pointless (theory being: if they wanted to change/give they would have done it already without being asked so your asking only spurs them to something they didn't want to do to begin with and will breed resentment...). I'm suddenly having all sorts of lovely self-definition questions and serious problems with my life philosophies. I have a lot of misplaced (and some rightfully placed) anger and no small amount of frustration brewing as I watch what seems like the rest of the world wielding more control over their day-to-day lives and I sit and watch it go by. I want to be able to go away, but I can't. I want to be able to quit my job and focus on other things for a while, but I can't. I have responsibilities and bills and obligations and promises I've made and I can't run out on any of them. I realize this and I don't intend to compromise anything in my life because of a mood--but I'm trying to stop the mood from getting worse before Peter leaves. The last thing I want to do is to have him leave for almost a month with my being in a snit.

*sigh*

Having just returned from a company-wide conference call to report the quarterly earnings, I realize that I might want to be a little more careful of what I wish for in future. Apparently, 30-40% of staff positions will be eliminated by the end of August. We're global, but that's still a large amount of people. Departments weren't specified and no hints were given, but the process will begin immediately, apparently. I realize now that I haven't had a performance review from my manager (in Atlanta) yet this year and wonder.

I almost can't wait to see what happens next.