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Location: Work.
Listening: "Crush" by Jennifer Paige.

Morning entry before I get into the details of the weekend.

Sitting here at my desk, musing on a portion of my weekend and having a very interesting (well, to me anyway) inner dialogue:

So why is it that you often end up with such labels as "generous" and "patient", etc. in terms of your reactions to people (usually women, but not always) approaching the person you're with on every level from casual flirting to full-on propositioning (usually with you in the room or, at the very least, nearby)? I mean--why doesn't it get to you more?

Likely because I have a great deal of faith in the relationship I'm in and in the person I'm with. I'm happy there and so what could easily be seen as "huge, world-ending balloon animals of disaster" to many people becomes, well, small stuff to me.

...but you often end up feeling that you've missed out somehow--that the other people often get to have more fun than you do in that realm...

That's true.

Any idea why that is?

Well, it probably has to do with the fact that it just doesn't occur to me. I have never been much of a flirt myself and, when I am, I have definite intent. I don't really understand "casual" flirting. I hear it's fun, but every time I've tried it, it's failed miserably. They've either gotten mad at me for "leading them on" or have sent me email every day for weeks. I don't think women do that, so perhaps casual flirting is easier for men?

Not being a man, I don't really know. It seems to be for our male friends. They just have to get past shyness and learn to approach the girl, more often than not. You end up having to run for cover and look for a projectile, sometimes literally. Doesn't really make for the same equation.

No, and that doesn't seem very fair, on some larger scale. Maybe that's why I feel left out.

Probably. You could always just throw caution to the wind and take the typical female response of swearing you had no idea they would take what you were saying that way...

Ah, the self-indulgent, manipulative, deceitful response of the typical Vagina Monologues-reading Rules Girl. Great idea. I've always been so good at pulling off that act.

...or not. Christ. Why is everything so serious with you? You should learn to be more of a girl.

Perhaps. People have been telling me that for years, but they always seem to mean that I should be more self-serving and short-sighted and generally reckless with other people's self-esteem in an attempt to bolster my own. It just doesn't seem very fun. Besides, I tend to not like women, so why would I want to deliberately behave like one on principle?

...fine. Everything has to have some grand principle behind it with you. It becomes really fucking tedious after a while. Why can't you just put on some little cut down-to-there and up-to-there thing and go out and hang on some guy (or girl for that matter) for a while...and then walk away? Come on. All the cool kids are doing it.

You know, there was that guy I talked to at the bar at the wedding...

Yeah. The one whose girlfriend you were always looking for behind him?

...well, yeah. I didn't want her to think the wrong thing. I don't even think he was really flirting with me. I think he's just like that, which is nice. He's fun. I enjoyed speaking with him.

I guess my point is that you tend to automatically shut people down cold when they try to flirt with you and then feel stupid when the people you're with don't. You're left with no response to their evenings on that level at all.

It's not entirely my fault, you know. Have you noticed that no one approaches me anymore? I mean, when I'm on my own, it's one thing--and, admittedly, I'll deliberately give off the "fuck right off" vibe when alone because I don't like dealing with that kind of thing when I have something I'm trying to get done. When I've been alone at gatherings, I've had a few instances, and those have been nice. But when we go out together, it's amazing. Men (or women) won't come anywhere near me, but Katie bar the door when it comes to him. They've done everything from kiss him to try to take him home.

Well, do you want that sort of attention? Are you, perhaps, jealous of it in some way?

What an odd thought...maybe. I don't know. He seems to deal with it very well--much better than I would. I think my point, though, was that men seem to have some kind of largely-held rule that they won't approach an escorted woman, but women...really don't seem to have that rule.

You do.

Yeah. Now what exactly does that say?

Well, some might say that you're a little more old-fashioned in that sense. Others might say that you're boring.

Yeah. I think, especially in CA, it's more the latter. I just...don't feel comfortable in that situation. People's husbands and boyfriends are automatically out. I just don't do it. It might be the fact that I'm from the South. That sort of thing can get you shot, or, at least, ostracized socially--which really is tantamount to being shot, in the end.

For a girl who fled the South and denounces the bulk of its culture on a fairly regular basis...you're still pretty stuck on some of it.

That's a discussion for another time. Main thrust being that I'm just not comfortable in that situation--whether I initiate it or someone else does. I've sent off quite a few escorted males at quite a few occasions when I've appeared alone. Sent them back to their dates and refrained from mentioning it later.

Well, yes. You're "patient" and "nice".

Fuck off. I'm a fucking demon when I want to be, and I'm getting really tired of being referred to as "sweet". It's fucking emasculating.

...I'll mention that you've been technically emasculated from birth and move on.

You know what I mean. I don't want people to fear me, but I'm getting tired of having people perceive me as this person who'll put up with anything. I have no interest in explaining my relationship to every person I run into, but I'd have to to prevent them from seeing me as a doormat. I hate that idea. It's always so tedious dealing with the people who come up to me and say "Um, you might want to go check on your date. Someone's over there talking to him..." and then don't understand when I shrug. They always either look at me as if I just had my puppy run over or they look at me like I'm from outer space. I try not to let it annoy me, but I hate the notion that people think I deserve pity or somesuch nonsense because they just don't get it.

Well, considering your situation in general, you'll be putting up with a lot more of that unless things change drastically.

I know. It's just one of the unfortunate things you accept as a side-effect. it's worth it in the end, but it's occasionally a blow to the image that isn't really necessary.

...or maybe it is. You can't go on being the Howard Roark of relationships for much longer.

Yeah, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to become the Melanie Wilkes of them either.

Fair enough. So you basically want for 1) more people to approach you at gatherings, 2) to learn to flirt casually without being stalked or feeling as if you're not showing your partner adequate respect as a result, and 3) to have people stop perceiving you as a doormat, "Mizu, ornament", or someone to be handled with compassion because "well, dear, you know...poor thing.". Is that accurate?

Yes.

Well, then, I think you're going to have to take some initiative, start acting like a girl, and go out there and actually make it seem like you want to talk to people. You might feel silly and fake at first, but I think, eventually, you'll get the hang of it.

Perhaps. Part of me would really rather play chess or read a book.