=================================================

Location: Work.
Listening: "Live To Tell" by Madonna.

Still coming up slowly from my miasma. Every day seems to bring a new question or something else to consider in what I'm starting to realize is a full inventory of my past and a massive and not-so-subconscious attempt to come to terms with things I haven't allowed myself to face for years. I'm only starting to realize this now because I've managed to keep the decision to begin this process, much like I kept the issues themselves, concealed from myself for as long as possible. I have no idea how I did this. I blame my elaborate defense mechanisms that have been used so many times that they've become completely automatic. They are very, very good at protecting me from everything--even, apparently, from my own thought processes. Unfortunately, this reaction occasionally leaves me wanting to avoid people or situations with no clear reason that I can think of as to why. It can be very unsettling--as can fighting off the desire to walk out of any situation that threatens to cause you pain in any way. That's been the hardest one for me so far.