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Location: Home.
Listening: Showgirls.

Watching possibly the worst movie ever made (aside from Moulin Rouge and Frankie and Annette: Back To The Beach, of course), Joe Esterhasz's Showgirls.

Not too much to say at the moment, except that this film made me reflect on the three reasons I've never become a dancer (rather, for the less polite, a "stripper"):

• I like men.

  Rather, despite many negative experiences, I have tenuously held onto a friendliness toward males. This hold is so fragile that I've slipped on occasion and generally let a learned hatred for men affect quite a few of my personal relationships. After being friends with several dancers (and a porn star), I've realized that dancing would place such a strain on that hold that it would be almost impossible to maintain. I have no desire to place myself in a situation where I would have to confront the most negative aspects of males night after night. I honestly believe that it would drive me to, if nothing else, jump off a stage and strangle someone. Club owners tend to have a negative view of such practices. Plus, I cherish my relationship with Yaga and would not want to inflict upon him (any more than I already have) the leftover anger that such encounters have already bred in me.

• I don't like strangers.

  I become incredibly uncomfortable when people I don't know (especially men) are too physically close to me. I very much believe in the "this is my dance space, this is your dance space" theory and have actually expressed it to strangers in those words several times before. I could never lap dance someone I don't know, much less solicit strangers for lap dances. I could not deal with someone I don't know being that close to me.

• I've been "sober" for over two years.

  I haven't touched illegal substances in over two years. I am certainly not stating or even implying that dancers are all influenced in some way by drugs (I'm also not implying that these substances are "bad"--my cessation of using them was a personal choice based on very subjective reasons). However, I do know, from spending a great deal of time in clubs and from having friends who work there, that many dancers find substances necessary to their nightly shows. I'm by no means saying that, if thrown back into an environment in which drugs were readily available, I would return to using them. On the contrary, many of my close friends still use drugs, and I often find myself refusing a tab of this or a line of that--so I feel confident that I'm not bound to an addiction of some sort that would make refusal difficult. However, I think that trying to maintain that level of refusal and also maintain cordiality in the workplace would be difficult. I don't enjoy dealing with that sort of difference and the awkwardness it can breed.

So, in effect, I would have no problem dancing. If not for these three reasons, I would actually find it a very empowering (if you don't understand my use of this word in reference to "strip clubs", please take the time to go to one and really look around--I've rarely experienced a more liberating environment in which women hold almost all of the power) experience. However, after listening to countless stories of bad nights on the job and spending a great deal of time in places like The Seventh Veil, The Star Strip, and (my absolute favorite) Cheetah's, I've realized that it simply isn't a career that I'm best suited for. Perhaps on amateur night--a one-shot deal to get out of my system the desire to perform again, to dance in front of a crowd and be applauded for my talent and whatever else comes with it. But as a full-time job? Sadly, no. I have to leave the fun to someone else and simply enjoy sitting stage-side, laying out rows of ten-dollar bills (if you do go, please remember that this is their job and react accordingly) for the girls I like and then sharing a drink and some conversation with them later.

I can think of worse fates, after all.