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Patrick Weekes is a writer, martial artist, and acclaimed omelet chef. He eagerly anticipates the fame, fortune, and groupies that he's been told come with starting an online journal.
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2004-02-11 12:28 PM
Wehr-Mart Introduces New Programs
In order to address concerns about its business practices and treatment of employees, Wehr-Mart has announced a series of new programs and initiatives designed to emphasize Wehr-Mart's position as a "community-friendly, customer-friendly, employee-friendly" organization, according to a recent press report by company chairman Hans Blitzer.
"Wehr-Mart has always been about families," Blitzer reported from atop his solid-gold throne overlooking the company's first Uber-Wehr-Mart, a store that cannot be seen in its entirety from a height of less than six miles due to the curvature of the Earth. "As such, we are pleased to move with the times and alleviate any concerns our customers or employees might have."
The first concern addressed was Wehr-Mart's reputation for monopolistic business practices that hurt small business owners. "Wehr-Mart has always believed in healthy competition," Blitzer reported via loudspeaker while a 30-foot-high viewscreen projected his image, "and we are prepared to answer any questions small town governments might have. In fact, small-town government officials trying to determine Wehr-Mart's effect on the town's businesses are invited to a free three-day seminar in Maui, where all questions are answered. Wehr-Mart is pleased to provide free air fare and hotel accommodation for any members of a local business committee or development team during their stay at our seminar, as well as $10,000 per person to defray costs associated with having to leave town. Members are invited to ask our staff the tough questions, using as much real-world data as possible – for example, if they wanted to bring budgets, inventories, and financial reports for several of their town's small businesses to use in their questions, we'd have no trouble with that."
In addition, Wehr-Mart has made the unprecedented offer to protect its small-business competitors. "Small business owners live in difficult financial times," Blitzer noted, "and it is always possible that something will happen. But with the Wehr-Mart protection plan, business owners will know that Wehr-Mart will fight attempts by anyone to undercut their prices, bury them in frivolous legislation, or throw bricks through their windows... all for just a few hundred dollars per week." Blitzer added that before offering such services to businesses in a given town, Wehr-Mart is always sure to do a thorough background check in order to ensure that small businesses are not currently at risk – and that such background checks often turn up sensitive information about business owners' medical and psychiatric histories, criminal backgrounds, or credit ratings. "But we guarantee," Blitzer declared, "that any business owner partnering with us will never have to worry about that information coming to light."
For its customers, Blitzer noted that Wehr-Mart is moving into the 21st century in many ways. "Customers want an all-purpose solution in today's confusing consumer world. Wehr-Mart firmly believes that it can offer that all-purpose solution. And with our new Wehr-Mart Uber-Saver card, customers will be able to save up to 15% on selected items, or even 20% or more on Uber-Saver Specials(tm), in return for their contractual agreement to avoid shopping at any store that sells a product identical or similar to products sold by Wehr-Mart." Blizter also described an Uber-Rewards program, in which customers agreed to have a standard fee deducted directly from their savings accounts in return for having allotted rations of standard supplies such as salt, toilet paper, and brand-name soda shipped directly to the customer's house on a monthly basis.
Finally, Blitzer described the heartbreaking sadness that comes with losing customers to death or disease. "Our customers are our family," he noted, choking up briefly and taking a silk handkerchief from a bikini-clad servant nearby, "and it breaks our hearts to find out that some of them fail to receive their yearly checkups. That is why Wehr-Mart has decided to accept the cost itself. Starting next month, every customer leaving Wehr-Mart will receive a full strip-search and cavity check by security personnel trained to look for medical problems that may have gone undiagnosed."
Blitzer noted that despite starting so many programs to benefit communities and customers, the company still plans to help its employees. "Our employees are what make us special," Blitzer said fondly while selecting his pleasure servant for the evening. "Many of them come to us without a solid background in economics or marketing, but we plan to help them keep their checkbooks balanced for the foreseeable future by paying our employees exclusively in Wehr-Marks," a form of currency accepted only at Wehr-Mart stores and affiliates. "Our employees will now have the freedom to spend their money exclusively at our stores, and we will offer free financial counseling, automatically tracking their purchases. Low-income employees will even have modest on-site sleeping pallets made available for them." Blitzer stressed that the new Wehr-Marks compensation program was strictly voluntary, and that employees could opt out at any time by providing proof of citizenship or right to work in the United States.
"Wehr-Mart has always believed in excellence in sales, service, and customer satisfaction," Blitzer said proudly at the conclusion of the press conference as his golden throne shot fireworks into the air and Wagner began booming from floor speakers to underscore his words, "and with these new programs, we are confident that customers will have no reason to even want to shop anywhere else. Ever."
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