is a very singable song on the "Rent" soundtrack. It's about the only song from that show that was written and recorded in my ideal key, which is also that of the Wondergirl, so we sing it with gusto when we are listening to the CD in my car together. Sometimes I'm Maureen and she's Joanna, and vice-versa, but usually we sing it through in unison.

If you are unfamiliar with the story, the song is a lover's quarrel. Maureen and Joanna are in the middle of a lavish celebration of their relationship when suddenly one critical comment sets off an argument that seems doomed to end the whole thing.

They are very, very different people. One loves "margins and discipline" and the other has been admired by "boys, girls, I can't help it" since puberty. Each woman percieves herself as quite 'a catch' and can't seem to understand why her lover would want to change the most fundamental things about her.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my resistance to change just for change's sake. And I have been going through some internal shifts in my thinking and understanding of my place in this big old world, and about how to widen my horizons, draw my circle of supportive friends just a little bigger--but bring them in closer--and at the same time jettison some negative thinking, behavior, and influences in my life.

Does living with integrity mean that we adopt the motto:

Take me for what I am,
who I was meant to be,
and if you give a damn,
take me, baby, or leave me.

Or do we try to lean into the impulses to transform ourselves?

I'm caught between those two places today.

I'm trying to take a measured, intentional approach (I'm more Joanna than Maureen) to change, and I don't believe I would ever expect other people to just deal with the crappy parts of me because I'm somehow valuable or important in their lives, or something. On the other hand, will dramatic changes mean loss of familiar and supportive relationships?

This is what I'm mindf**king today...