...nothing here is promised, not one day... Lin-Manuel Miranda

Having a DUH moment
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You know, she said, musingishly, memory is a funny thing. You can go hours, days, hell, months sometimes not remembering, or putting aside, or putting OFF something basic and vital and then suddenly you can't any longer. It seems especially STUPID to me that I can, from time to time, sort of forget what's wrong with me. Not that I'm ever not aware on some level - just moving, waking up, stupid simple stuff - brings it back. When I wake up every morning of my life, I put on my glasses (now that's an older habit) and I take a pill. Every morning. I used to wait until several reasons made that seem really stupid and "brave" - brave as in "showing how tough I am." I'm not tough. Bullshit. And showing WHOM exactly? So it's glasses, Vicodin and onwards.

But yesterday I had (yet another) doctor's appointment. With yet another doctor who's never seen anything like me before. (oh fucking hell, I'm special again). And I was reminded, which seems really bizarre, since how could I actually FORGET THIS, that I have broken bones. Real honest to god fractured bones. I know that - anyone who knows me, has read what I've written or talked to me, or asked or….it's my spiel. It's why I don't work, it's why I take the damn Vicodin it's why there are things I cannot and will not do. But it came home to roost in a way I'd forgotten yesterday. Maybe it's because usually I can sorta fake it and because I've said it so often and it's there and…but yesterday, well, it's because this doctor showed me in scribbles what was going on (I really appreciate doctor scribbles; I had to go to a medical dictionary 4 times last week to translate my CT scan report. "Comminuted?" Scuze me?) that well, I have broken bones. (collectively on three, one two three "DUH!") But it's that a) one of them could be more recent than I thought (this happened YEARS ago, it's not supposed to be active now, thank you) and b) some of them aren't just there, but they're THERE in, well, like in moving parts. Which seems worse, don't it? I mean that line in the scan of the pelvis - it's nasty but mostly it just sits there, right? But my hip sockets? Scuze me folks. Jesus christ. That's where your hips are. Um, that moves. A lot. And suddenly I realized that well, um, no wonder I hurt, my hip sockets are fractured. I mean…gimme a D, gimme a U, gimme a H what's that spell? But it just made it realer. I know some folks who visit here know about chronic shit and might get this - ok, I HOPE so because it sure sounds like I'm missing a number of brain cells I used to have. Like I didn't KNOW? I KNOW. I know I know, but…maybe it was the visuals.

So gulp. Happily, he has no interest in pretending to try to fix me with surgery. In fact, he can't see how to do much at all and wants me to see someone for this "ongoing medical problem" and try to figure out the underlying cause. But, but, we tried that. Years ago. And yeah, I sort of gave UP since I believe we tried everything. BUT what it led to was a discussion of seeing a rheumatologist. I asked if he was okay if I picked one, because there was this GUY I had seen before, years ago, and if I were going to go back to a rheumatologist (man that word has TOO many letters!) I'd like it to be him. (if you read my April blog about "The sainted Doctor G" you saw a mention of "a fine guy named Jeff Carlin". Who had left Seattle but is back and this morning I made an appointment to see him.

Now mind you, I don't think he has or will have any answers. No one has. But I've been griping SO much lately about how the damn orthopedists are so specialized and it's still bugging me since I've now seen three orthopedic specialists in the past four weeks. There's no one OUT there any more who gets the whole picture. And since it was Dr C who first discovered my broken hip, and who was (probably still is) one of the better listener-doctors around, who got me INSTANTLY when he steered me to the sainted Dr. G, well, it's sort of neat and tidy, isn't it? I don't know that a rheuma..thingy is what I would have chosen, but I'd just as soon talk to HIM again as go to some other specialist, have more tedious probably useless tests like I had before (checking thyroid, calcium, potassium; blood, urine, biopsy, CT scan, myelogram, x-ray, MRI…)

I'll post something much lighter soon. I swear I will. Lately, I've been way too self-absorbed and while I'm writing and posting, I've got little patience and am not doing a lot outside my very teeny proscribed circle right now.

Maybe I'll write about how my fave new word that isn't in the dictionary is "lingweenie", a person incapable of making up new words. (isn't that wonderful?)

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