...nothing here is promised, not one day... Lin-Manuel Miranda

Being a Grown-up
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…sucks. Mind you, there are SO many reasons to be glad you're not a kid, and I'm not even talking about the usual "you hit X years, you can now vote/drink legally/drive/not fill out a draft form/not join the military" reasons. But not having to go to math class, and not having to be the last chosen for field hockey are way good reasons to leave childhood behind. But this being an adult often sucks frogs. Big green nasty frogs.

Years ago I decided that while I was pretty good at being a grown-up, I didn't like it much. This came from a situation - I no longer remember what it was - where I had to decide something and the way wasn't clear. Both decisions had consequences. Both would have worked. I didn't know what was the better choice and mommy wasn't there to tell me what to do. THAT's what I mean about being an adult; you get to know what you're doing, and you have to decide, based on adult criteria. You can't just go to your parents and have them TELL you - something that was maddening at times but awfully handy at other times in my life. "Sorry, my mom says I can't" DOES come in handy when you really didn't want to anyway, but didn't want to hurt someone's feelings; and hurt feelings were a HUGE issue in pre-adulthood.

I've made lots of adult decisions. Most of them have been pretty good. I learned at some point - probably in stages - which instincts to trust, how to deal with ambivalence and with "maybe I shoulda decided THAT way" second guessing. But ACK, it's hard.

I went to see yet another doctor Monday and came home once again, exhausted. Not that I did anything huge; waiting around for my ride was tedious and nerve-wracking because I wasn't sure the van would actually show up at the door it was supposed to show up at (grammar police, this way!) and I was downtown and it was rush hour. But the doctor wasn't horrid, and he didn't make me do anything exhausting. Nevertheless, I was wiped out several hours later. Because here we are, back at the sucky "you get to be a grown-up" stuff again. (Jeeesus, it's a good thing I never had kids.)

THIS doctor's immediate response on looking at my CT scan and x-rays was "you need a hip replacement, why haven't you had one?" Well, there are good (I was going to say solid, but they're anything BUT) reasons; I have a creepy horrid disease that resulted in bone fractures ages ago and was never pinpointed; up until real recently (oh like the last 3 or 4 months) my hip was never that bad (at least the RIGHT hip), no other doctors have thought it an exceptionally good idea, given the disease, and even if we DO it, there are all the other fractures. I've got fractures in my hip sockets, people; I'm not sure a replacement can even be anchored into my body.)

BUT this doctor is older than the ones I've been seeing, and an expert in conditions that affect the bone. He has colleagues who sound more up on new things than anyone else I've seen; like how to do surgery on someone with bone cancer (don't start hyperventilating, that is NOT ME, but you get the connection? Healthy bone?) and he knows about some new treatment for people with OI (Also NOT ME - that's osteogenesis imperfecta, and it's also not what I have but it's "brittle bone disease", so you get the connection). So we are going to do some new tests, and I'm going to be discussed - again - by a group of doctors. I've been discussed to bits over the years.

As I said to one friend yesterday, I want ONE doctor, Dr. Omniscient. I wouldn’t even mind having one orthopedist but even THAT's not an option. I've got a SPINE guy AND an HIP guy; the spine guy doesn't do hips, etc ya-ta-ta, ya-ta-ta. And the hip guy does hip replacements. Mostly. But not on me; HE doesn't see it and a good option.

This was my whine 12 years ago when this doctor - the one I saw Monday - said to me "you need to see an orthopedist". And I whined "I've had three orthopedic surgeries, none of which seemed especially successful." And he, rightly, got me to see the RIGHT orthopedist. The one who wasn't a hip guy, or a little finger guy, or a left big toe on Thursday guy (see "the sainted Dr. G" blog). But that guy's gone and now they all specialize in ONE or two damn JOINTS. And no one seems to GET the Whole Andi. And I am NOT about to make any decisions right now; I don't even SEE this guy again for a month. And when you're tired and achy and very worried about money (yes, all three) it's a bad time to be making big decisions. Damn this grown-up crap.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go back to the bedroom where I have all the stuffed gorillas and puppies and hedgehogs. Hmmmm, I guess I haven't exactly gone grown-up very well, after all, have I?

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