...nothing here is promised, not one day... Lin-Manuel Miranda

Duck! Incoming Whine
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Do you mind terribly? I’ll try to get this over with quick.

Yesterday sucked. Sucked HUGE. Now it’s not because I didn’t get lots of presents (I got so exactly what I wanted) or anything like that.

Many people tell me I’m always SO up, so enthusiastic and chipper and positive and all that blah. I don’t doubt it – when many people see me it’s because I’m at a convention or out and as I always intone” drugs and adrenaline are amazing”. I get high off the contact and I manage to not feel like crap publicly. Mostly.

Yesterday was not one of those days. The weather had a fair amount to do with it – I’m struggling more against the pain during wet weather. But it was also that there was a party yesterday. And I could not manage to go. And afterwards there was dinner. And I could not manage to go. And I so hated that that I had hysterics beyond all reason. Oh, wait, that’s sort of redundant, innit?

I’m struggling right now with so much pain that it’s unreal. I have a bad shoulder, which seems not to be responding as well to the shot as last time. I was SO STUPID a few weeks ago when I walked, barefoot INTO my cane (I know, I know, you ‘d THINK after all these years? But nooooooo…) and at first it seemed I got lucky but then it got nasty. Then my hip sort of went out again, much like it did months ago. :I think I need another injection there too – I was even a GOOD patient and called to schedule that today when I realized I really needed to deal with it? And the office is closed today. For whatever the hell we call Christmas when it’s not really Christmas. Yeah, happy boxing day to you too.

The shoulder’s so bad that I can’t lie down or it hurts; this has led to several nights of walking up, unable to get into a positon that works and sitting up and reading for an hour or two.

I SO absolutely meant it when I told Stu I wanted him to go to the party. There have been times I wanted him to stay with me but I really with every conscious thought wanted him to go. He puts up with me ALL the time – he gets to have time out too. And HE worked Friday and HE’s working today (cute, trying to get to work with the buses on the Sunday schedule). These are his friends TOO, and he doesn’t see them often enough either. Except when he came home – bringing me dinner as he said he would – I finally had the hysterics I’d been trying to push away all day. Because I guess I DID resent it. But I didn’t really. Honest! I was SO happy he’d gone and been out of the house having a good time. For seven hours. I WAS. Except I wanted to be there and I couldn’t even handle the trivia of getting dressed, walking to the car, walking into the house. I knew I’d be miserable and resentful and it was totally possible I’d spend the party sitting in a corner alone. NOT exactly ignored, but it’s basic party behavior. YOU know how it goes – no matter HOW big the living room and how many chairs, everyone ends up standing in the kitchen. NO one sits down. And while I occasionally can manage standing in the kitchen at times at parties – you gotta get something to drink, dontcha? (and then you stand there for 2 hours, duh) - I knew that I couldn’t this time. And I didn’t really want anyone to see me.

At the same time I guess I resented Stu and everyone else in the known world who was having a better day than I was. I didn’t eat all day, I couldn’t manage; toaster pastry and a handful of goldfish crackers because I can’t walk/use the cane/carry anything. Don’t want to stand/bend/prepare anything. Can’t put weight down. You can imagine. As bad as it pretty much can be. I spent most of the time playing a new computer game which let me escape for HOURS. Not healthy but I just hated the world. And Stu did everything you can/could for someone in the shape I’m in. But I was just so damn angry at him and everyone.

There’s a New Year’s Eve party next week. I have NO idea how to deal with this; the house it’s in has stairs and I can’t usually do stairs. I sure in HELL can’t do stairs this week. If I get the shot in my hip and it works as well as it did last time? I will feel lots better. I see my doctor tomorrow about the shoulder and the foot and oh yeah, my knee. Which isn’t very swollen anymore but still isn’t right.

So, my children, THAT’s what Andi’s like when she’s NOT having a good day. Damn. What a MESS I am. (not very quick either, was it?)

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