I'm just beginning to look into finding an apartment in Santa Cruz. I love living with Jessie & Stewart and the boys, because they're my family, and I feel so lucky that this house was available to me when I needed to leave my previous one and my marriage all on the same day (my birthday, wouldn't you know it?). But having a room in someone else's house, even the most loving family, isn't the same as having more than one room in one's very own house or apartment.

I need to be selfish in my space right now. I need to be possessive and controlling and dominate the aesthetics. Mostly I need to be single, and feel single. I need to live alone. I've never lived alone, ever. I don't count having a single in Rock senior year at Bryn Mawr. Living in a dorm isn't living alone.

Of course, it's totally possible that living all by myself will drive me nuts after a short time, and then I'll have to deal with that. And I'll probably get pretty lonely sometimes. But it's not like I won't be over here at my sister's every other minute. I couldn't bear to be away from the boys for too many days in a row. Now _that_ would drive me nuts.

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I've realized that the fact that I'm in the final stages of the divorce is a huge stressor. I'm a big ol' bundle of seething nerves, although I think I'm maintaining a fairly cool front. Hah! Well, I'm maintaining, and that's good, I suppose. I'm trying to stay conscious. But I do feel like with the divorce stuff (there are so many things I'd like to say here, but this is public and the papers haven't been signed, so I'll refrain. Well, I'll probably always refrain, out of politeness and respect to my ex, but there are moments, there are moments....) Um, where was I? Oh yeah, with the divorce stuff and with the end-of-school stuff and with the apartment stuff, I'm all frazzed and edgy and exhausted.

Two more weeks, and the school stuff will be over.

Hopefully in less than a week, the signing will be over.

Cross your fingers for me, everybody.

And let me know if you're reading by leaving a comment, 'kay?