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A little bit of moving on, a little bit of grieving too
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I've been feeling rather out of sorts the last few days. Most of it is probably due to the cold (much better yesterday, and even better today, yay!), but also to having so much time alone in my new place. I haven't spent this much time alone in a long time. Years, probably. It's both wonderful and odd, lonely and satisfying. This morning I did get a lot accomplished in the apartment, mainly hanging several pieces of artwork on the walls. I'm not done with that yet, but it was a good start. There were some pieces I haven't hardly seen in a year, or more. So good to have them out again! Makes the place really feel like mine.

Jed also came over this afternoon to give me some dearly needed hugs -- I was feeling very touch-deprived, and even getting "the works" from my nephews wasn't hitting the spot. So it was great to have a visit from somebody who knows how to hug. And as a bonus, he gave me an OXO GoodGrips can opener for a housewarming present. Lucky thing, too, 'cause otherwise we wouldn't have been able to have that chicken noodle soup for lunch. :)

After Jed left to pick up a friend at the airport, I added another coat of sealant to the planks that will eventually become my paperback book shelves, then I had a nice but solitary dinner with a Lord Peter Wimsey novel. I thought about watching a movie after, and as I was poking through my DVD collection, I found all these movies that my ex and I had bought together, and I just got really sad. There was also a CD he made me, just before I moved out, with the photos and little 15-second MPEGs of our trip to Europe (the one that ended a week before I moved out). When I started thinking about the mpegs, and how silly we were together, making goofy weather reports in a windstorm in Brugge, and about the way we would cry together watching tearjerker movies... and I just started to weep. It isn't that I wish we were still together, or that I'm sorry I left, or that we're divorced. I'm much happier and in a better place with myself. And I'm not even sure it's that I miss the good times we had. I don't particularly want to have them again, because I don't want all the bad stuff that came with them. But I guess I'm grieving for those good times, for their loss. I don't even know that I wish it had worked out between us. I mean, if it had worked out, and we had both been able to make it be a good relationship, then I suppose that would have been good, right? But I can't even really imagine that.

My sister asked me the other day if it ever felt like those several years with my ex never happened, like this is just my life picking up after a little blip in the road (those last are my words, paraphrased from what she said). And in some ways it does. There's a way that my whole relationship and marriage with him feels like a strange dream, or like a brief interruption in my real life when I got crazy and repressed and not-me for a while. And sometimes it feels so real, that it feels like this, what's happening now, is just the brief interlude, and that any day now I'll go back home to where he lives. Like I just went on vacation for a little while. Both of those are so disconnected in some way. But I don't know how to do it any other way, except for when these moments hit me, to pay attention to them and not let them slide by. To remember that it was real and it was full of all kinds of things, and it wasn't ever just one way, and to acknowledge that sometimes it was good and sometimes it wasn't, and there was just kind of a basic underlying wrongness about it that wasn't ever going to go away, which is why I finally left.

And I'm terrified to start dating again. I mean, I'm totally ready on some level, and I long for the next stage, just of dating, and getting to know different people, even going on dates with guys who won't work out (I've been on one semi-date already), just for the experience of going on some dates. But I'm also scared. Scared I won't be myself. Scared I'll be rejected. Scared of it not working out. Again. And of course what I really long for is companionship. I know this is going to be hard, living alone. And I know it's what I need to do. I think it'll be really good for me to experience, and I'm also just feeling really lonely.

When I was married I used to watch a lot of romance movies where it all works out in the end. And "The Bachelor." Funny, huh. Well, we take our escapes and fantasies where we can, I guess. And it isn't that I don't still enjoy those romances, 'cause I do, but I'm a little more cynical about them at the moment. I suppose that's par for the course.

I'm just all in a muddle tonight. Maybe I'll go to bed. In Scarlett's famous words, "After all, tomorrow's another day...."


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