While I was shopping for groceries at New Leaf tonight, I slipped into this incredibly fragile state. It was really weird. As I was driving out of the parking lot, I was fighting off tears, and I couldn't figure out why I was in such a funk. Then when I was back in my apartment, putting the dishes away, I saw this thing on my fridge about the situation in Darfur, and I just burst into uncontrollable tears. I came to the realization that it was a release of stress I hadn't known I was holding in my body from ahorrible accident with the motorcyclist that I witnessed yesterday (a guy in a PT Cruiser hit a motorcyclist in downtown Mountain View, then ran over his leg after the biker got thrown from his bike; I ended up helping direct traffic for a while until the cops showed up), and the hour and a half it took me to get to work today because of police activity off of Hwy 17 (a suspicious package at a Shell station), and the guy who squealed his brakes and slammed into a car in the apartment complex parking lot next door to my school today, and then screeched out of there (a hit and run, no license plates on his car, front or back)... just the craziness of people in this world. It's nearing the full moon, which is probably part of it, but I just had to weep at the senselessness and horror that happens every day, all over the world. It really hit me hard.

I had a chiropractic adjustment earlier which probably released some stuff, and then I went to qi gong and did this really intense hip stretch that released something so deep (it had been tight even after my chiro appointment) that it left my left leg trembling for most of the next forty-five minutes. And then that made my quadricep get tight, so I had to stretch that out too. I'm sure that all that bodywork released emotion as well as muscle.

And then before all the various car-related traumas/dramas (I was waiting all day for number three to round it out -- that was the hit and run), I had had this incredibly strange date Monday evening. It wasn't bad, exactly, but it definitely wasn't good. Just a guy who was really into me who is in recovery but not far enough along in recovery (he told me, "Everything I do is dramatic," for example, and only smoking ten or twelve cigarettes in a day is a good day for him) for me. And even though I never actually felt physically threatened in any way, I never felt safe with him either. I met him downtown, and then even though I rode around in his car to go to dinner (the worst food I've ever had in Santa Cruz, too... sigh), I had him drop me off several blocks from my house, and waited until he was gone to walk in the right direction. So that was a stressor too; I woke up at 3 in the morning that night, completely disturbed by the whole evening and trying to figure out what to say to him.

And then tonight I was in such a funk and just trying to be with it, and he called. I didn't answer the phone (Halleluah for call waiting) because I just didn't have the energy for the conversation that needs to happen.

I feel like it's the right thing to do to be straightforward with him, especially as he's in recovery and most likely needs to hear it straight, but it's still a hard thing to do. I mean, I could tell only a partial truth and say I'm just don't feel that way about him, but in fact, the reason I don't feel that way about him is he's a heavy smoker who's all into the drama who kept bringing the conversation around to unusual sex -- on our first date. And it's not like I mind talking about sex, but it just seems like the emphasis that was placed on it as a conversational topic was inappropriate for a first date siutation. Basically, I don't feel comfortable with him. I don't think I even particularly want to be friends with him.

Erg. So tomorrow I'll call him back, I suppose. I haven't even listened to the message yet, because I don't have the psychic energy to even hear his voice. I'm still all drained from crying. I did watch two episodes of The Amazing Race (I'm totally still behind, so don't anybody talk about it with me). In fact, I'm still totally behind on Lost and House, too. The only shows I'm caught up on are Survivor and Top Chef. Well, after tonight I'll be behind on Top Chef, but that's okay.

And tomorrow afternoon is my complete eye exam! And tomorrow night S. and I start our salsa class! So I have something to look forward to.

I hope whatever it was that came out tonight is out enough that I can sleep through the night. I need a good night's sleep.