SYRACUSK POST-STANDARD, April 22, 1978

My Weird World

By AUDREY (Kentuckypine)

MY DEAR FRIENDS, I hate to be the
bearer of bad tidings and start your day
off in a bad way, but I feel it's my duty to
advise you of the following fact. Hot water
is now on the endangered species list. If
we don't do something about it now, every
parent in the world will suffer from the
"hot to lather up — ice cold to rinse off"
syndrome.
The danger seems to be primarily in
homes where more than one teen-ager
dwells. The larger the number of beasties,
the greater the cause form concern.

I FOR ONE DO NOT TAKE This possible
extinction lightly. I mean, I have had
experience with endangered species
before. When once there was a drawer full
of pantyhose, there is now one pair —
injured beyond any possible recovery. Pierced
earrings that once grew and multiplied
are presently reduced to six — each
one of a kind.
Sweaters — socks — mittens — shoes
— locker keys — the list of things that are
so quickly gone forever is endless. And
believe me when I tell you hot water is
next on the list!
I know from personal experience, because
it's been nearly 10 years since
there's been enough hot water to do dishes.
I've been washing clothes in cold water
long before "three temperatures-one
detergent" became popular.

I'M NOT TRYING to lay the blame on
any one particular group, but my research
has led me to believe the whole vicious
circle begins when a beastie reaches age
13. For young men at that age, it's the
time to begin the search for that first sign
of a beard and the use of 87 gallons of
water to properly prepare the face for
shaving.
With the young ladies, it's shampoos,
bubble baths, and whatever else they can
think of that will insure the total consumption
of each drop of hot water.
Now, it's bad enough when there is only
one teenager in the house — but when
there's more than one, you might just as
well give up. Even if there was hot water,
you'd never make it into the bathroom to
use it. There is an unwritten law among
teen-agers that says parents are allowed
in the bathroom only between the hours of
2 and 5 a.m.

I CANT HELP BUT WONDER if I had read the
motherhood contract years ago, if I wouldn't
have become president
of the very first Zero Population chapter!
Oh, well, it's 3:30 a.m. so you'll have to
excuse me — it's my turn for the bathroom.
I've got to hurry because as sure as
God made little green apples, there will be
a knock on the door at 3:35 a.m. and a
voice screaming: "Are you gonna stay in
there all day?" It will be a 15-year-old
redhead who finally found a whisker, and
fearing five o'clock shadow, the whisker
must of course be sent to never-never land
at the earliest possible moment. «
So if you see a light in the sky don't
worry, it's just a reflection of the
bonfire I started in the backyard to heat
the water for my final rinse-off