SYRACUSE POST-STANDARD, January 24, 1976

By Audrey (Kentuckypine)





LISTENING TO THE STATE OF THE UNION SPEECH the
other day. it occurred to me it might be a good idea to give a
"State of the (family) Unit" speech. Not that, it'll do any good,
but it might just make me feel a little better.

"THE ECONOMY" - This administration plans to veto any
requests for higher allowances. Spending will to cut. to a minimum. When the teacher says: "You must bring $1 to school
tomorrow, or else," we'll take the "or else." Unless, of course,
it involves a possible suspension from school, in which case
we'll reconsider.
Continuing the line of thought on spending, this administration
finds it hard to believe the only suitable present for an 18th
birthday is a Mercedes Benz and a trip to Mexico. Those funds
generally spent for bubble gum, candy and pop will be put into a
special account marked "dentist."

"FOREIGN AFFAIRS" — Foreign relations are expected to
improve in the coming year. With or without detente, there will
be higher marks in Spanish and German classes. All foreign objects
will be kept out of eyes, ears and noses to eliminate possible
trips to that never-never land called the emergency ward.
Foreign dignitaries will be welcomed and, on a special occasion,
will be allowed to "spend the night." That is provided it is
not a school night and the mother involved promises to take the
visitor back the very next morning.
No visas will be granted to visit outside the "unit." to persons
who, by virtue of neglecting chores, have lost favor with the
administration.

"IMPORTS AND EXPORTS" - It will be the policy of this
administration that no one, absolutely no one, will import anything
without the express approval of the secretary of the kitchen.
Quotas will be smaller than in other years. Anything over
one bushel will be immediately rejected and very likely stuffed
down the ambassador's throat.
Exports include any and all objects found: under the bod.
shoved in the hall closet, stuffed in the piano bench, tucked in
between the cushions on the couch or carelessly dropped in the
middle of the living room floor.
That should take care of: school books, apple cores. bread crusts, socks, dirty underwear, one-of-a-kind boots, homework, marbles, and game parts, and of course today's newspaper.