THE POST-STANDARD SATURDAY, OCT. 7, 1978

My Weird World

By AUDREY (Kentuckypine)



Most of you know I've always viewed
motherhood as just one step behind sainthood.
I figured giving birth to five kids
was a feat surpassed only by giving away
a litter of 12 puppies before they reach
puberty.

I've never made a secret of the fact I
felt put upon, misunderstood,- unappreciated
and certainly underpaid in my role as
a parent. Let me tell you, I've got this
business of martyrdom down pat.
However, there's always someone
around, just waiting to burst my pretty
balloon. This time it happened to be a
woman who has raised 10 children. Ten of
them, mind you, twice as many as I,
I can't stand it! She looks as serene as if
she'd spent her whole life in a cloistered
convent. There's not a wrinkle on her face
nor a gray hair in her head. Her voice is
soft as a baby's bottom. She's so thin, when
she puts a penny in the scales to weigh
herself, she gets change.

I could probably tolerate all that, but
when I see how well behaved her beasties
are, it's just more than I can bear. "Yes
Ma'am," "No Sir," "Please," "Thank You"
. . . and on and on. The boys even stood up
when we walked into the room.

Lord, what is this world coming to?

Naturally, I had to ask her to share her.
secret with me. With my monsters, I'm
always grasping at straws. Anyway, she
smiled demurely, gave me all the old
cliches about love and understanding and
patience. I simply sat there, shaking my
head in disbelief and sobbing, "There's got
to be more to it than that."

It was then she laughed out loud and
said to me, "Okay, okay, come with me
and I'll show you the real secret." I followed
her into the cozy kitchen.

There on the far wall hung an old-fashioned
razor strap. I couldn't believe it. As I
walked toward the formidable piece of
leather, I saw the sign hanging next to it.
Printed neatly in black, faded letters, it
read:
"When I run out of love, patience and
understanding, this will be my last resort,
so don't push your luck!" It was signed
"Mom."

"Mom" told me it had been hanging
there for nearly 23 years and was still
waiting for its first use. Now why didn't I
think of that?