Starfucker just like my Daddy
Starfucker just like my Daddy yes
Selling his baby
Just like my daddy
Gonna strike a deal
make him feel like a congressman
Professional Widow
Tori Amos

Hey

I'm writing cause I need to let you know a couple of things and this seemed like the best way.

Sometimes I really hate you.

There I said it.

It's kind of been eating me up cause, like, I really like you, you're awesome, you're smart and kind and darned easy on the eyes.

But sometimes, well sometimes I just hate you. It's never the times you mean to be bad or hateful or anything, it's really only the times that I'm not feeling great and your all happy and stuff and I just hate you.

I dunno, there's probably some psych bullshit that will explain this away, I'm frustrated at what I have and I'm envious of what you have and that just pushes my buttons you know? But I hate that bullshit. I especially hate it when you try to pull it on me. Knock it off already. It's irritating. I'm just mad, leave me be.

I admit there's some measure of feeling inadequate, I'm not as smart as you, I'm not as outgoing or popular or whatever. My skills are pretty forgettable and I'll probably never be worth as much as you are in the financial sense.

*sigh* I guess I should explain myself cause you're always harping on about how important communication is, but sometimes I gotta say communication is bunk. I mean, yeah it's important, but there are somethings that go beyond words that are more sublime that a clear-cut emotions and are more complicated than any one subject. You know that. So how can you stand there and tell me that I should be perfectly honest and straighforward with you when I can barely do that with myself? How can you do that with yourself?

I don't think you're nearly as honest with me as you want to be. I don't think you're a liar either, but there has got to be more to it, there has got to more to you. You're not two-dimensional, nor are you superficial. So how am I supposed to believe that one word, one emotion, one idea explains you?

I guess it's not really the fact that sometimes you say dumb things that tick me off, it's more that sometimes you don't say certain things or don't think about things from any direction other than the most direct (at least that's how it seems like to me). I know you don't want to assume things of me, but sometimes (I'm afraid) that's all I can offer you. Guess what's going through my head, guess what's going through my heart, because words haven't been invented for it.

You're my best friend but sometimes I can't count on you to know what I'm going through, and that feels so weird. How can you not know?

I'm kinda tired now, and I have a lot of work to do. I'm not making too much sense to myself. And I keeps starting to many sentances with the word "I." I always hate when other folks do it, so I guess I'll knock it off now.

With Love,
me

and Moses I know
I know you've seen fire
but you're never seen fire
until you've seen Pele blow
and I've never seen light
but I sure have seen gold
Muhammed, My Friend
Tori Amos