Listening: Scarlet's Walk, Tori Amos
Mentally Replaying: Last night's Tool concert
I'd rather be having dinner with friend
Considering: what to do next
Desiring: a heat massage around my neck
Physical Aches and Complaints: severely fucked up neck from thrashing about last night
Enjoying: an IBC Cream Soda

drat. I meant to get my chapter report finished before doing anything else. But it turns out I didn't hold on to any old reports so I don't have a template. I could probably fake it - I know what the pertinent parts are for my chapter. I get to procrastinate some more now, but I wanted it out of the way. }:P

The cheese I was fearing did end up happening but at least the powers that be are folks who can take criticism...to some extent.

I've been putting in a bunch of overtime at work - four hours last week, two hours tonight and I'm looking at between 12 and 16 hours this weekend. Hopefully that will help with holiday bills and keep me from relying on my savings come tax time. Hopefully it will also look good when it's time for merit increases in some six-ish weeks. Now, if only I could use that OT wisely instead of on email and AIM.

I used to avoid signing on to AIM in the mornings because that's when most of the people were online and the morning was the best time to get work done for me. But I still have work leftover in the afternoon and evening and I've been allowing myself get into long coversations with people when I shouldn't. }:< Not only that but the worst have been about the Camarilla. }:P

I feel like I'm rambling, and I don't really see an end in sight. At some point I suppose I'll have to hunt down some food. I'm thinking of the weekend and stuff and no real coherent point here...so forgive me if I meander some.

I sort of wish I had a TV at times like this. Just so I could abdicate any sort of responsibility for finding things with which to occupy myself. I'd rent some horribly saccharine movie staring Sandra Bullock or something and settle in with some leftovers of some kind and some salty snacks and a rich, heady wine and forget about ...oh... everything.

Sheesh with how much I whine about not having time to read anymore you'd think I would be thrilled to have an evening alone.

It's just that lame stuff has me mind whirling for no particular reason. Maybe because it's the season of Sagittarius several conversations concerning the nature of religion and/or the origin of philosophy have cropped up in different reasons. For different reasons it has me thinking of interactions I have/had with various people and the way in general it seems that people typically "learn" each other. The conversations are interesting, but more interesting to me are the assumptions about each other the participants work with.

When it comes to assumptions we all have to make them, we can't sit on our hands refusing to speak with someone or interact with them at all until we know the whole of their personality. But it's surprising how much we will assume on the strength of a seperate individual's testimony.

This doesn't have anything to do with the conversations about philosophy and such, I'm too interested in the day to day drama and human interaction to notice the abstract patterns imposed by logical minds that have no interest in science. Did that sound grandiose? I'm sorry....

Anyway, all that I meant to say was that I've noticed it's exceptionally rare that someone will ask me, unprompted, for my side of a given story no matter how directly it regards me. On the one hand that is, of course, irritating. On the other it's rather ironic since the lack of action on the part of others who I see passing judgement against me merely causes my opinion of them to go downhill.

Sometimes I think I ought to defend myself somehow, but mostly I think I would rather stay silent and learn people by their actions and words, rather than get in the fray and vy for their attention and approval. I guess that makes me aloof or some shit like that but really all it means is that people fascinate me so much so that I frequently forget that I am a person, though I'd rather not be, and would probably stand to gain a bit by playing along.

My niece is so darling. She's teeny but getting old enough that there is actually time between eating and sleeping when she is awake enough to interact with the people making googly face at her. She has dark skin (my sister is darker than I am and her father is black (well mixed up some but I think it pretty much boils down to black)) and a *thickthick* midnight black patch of hair that is usually horribly unkempt. She'll be two months old on Wednesday.

My sister on the other hand.... She had planned to go to a concert on Saturday and had made plans for Alexa's paternal grandmother to take her. At the last minute she found out the grandmother had forgotten and gone to Los Angeles. So she left several items with my youngest brother to take care of her and nearly left before I cornered her and demanded specific details on what to do, when to do it and how to do it. She thought it was ok since Juan takes care of Alexa all the time. Juan likes - no, loves - being an uncle, but he seemed a little annoyed at just how much he gets to take care of Alexa.

I was feeling just a little annoyed when all the worst parts of the idea coalesced. Alexa was asleep on the couch, huddled in her sleeping-holder thingie (pillows to keep her from rolling around), my dad and Molasses were watching the USC-UCLA game (Woo Torjans! way to school those uppity Bruins!!), and I went to the bathroom. When I got out Alexa was screaming miserably and my dad was struggling to get out of his chair (between my dad's arthritis and the deepness of the chair it's not an easy task) and Molasses was staring passively at her. Juan was on the opposite end of the house playing on his computer. After some shouting I got him out and he made her a bottle while I rocked her. She was still quite annoyed for a while until she finished her bottle.

I was never really crazy of babysitting for my mom, not just because I couldn't do anything on my own and because she refused to pay me, but because there is just a sizable amount of things a sitter can't do. When I used to babysit my siblings I couldn't make them hurry through any chore and if my mom didn't tell them specifically to do it, they wouldn't do it. I couldn't enforce any discipline and when the youngest - Juan - would be sad and miss mom I couldn't help him. Some days deja vu just sucks.

Also there was the requisite poking from my mom. I like being near Alexa when she's quiet or playful so of course in her brain this translates to wanting a baby of my own. She still doesn't understand why I like visiting but not *staying.* I drove her to the airport and had to dodge other fun queries that were designed at figuring out how "serious" Molasses and I are. Or something. She just wants a wedding date. Sigh I've told her repeatedly but she refuses to accept the concept of dating for the pure joy of the company of a certain someone.

I swear some day I'm going to lose it and tell her why I don't want a family or house or a marriage. I don't really know all of the whys, but the ones I do know read as an invective against her and everything she raised me with.

How do you say "Mom, I don't want kids because remember thinking how much I hated you and being annoyed by everything you did and said, and sometimes I still am, even when I can think and know that everything you've done and said has been with good intention. And so I don't want to have my own creatures running around hating and despising me when everything I do is out of love."

What about, "Mom, I see how you and Dad treat each other and I don't understand how you could stay that way, you are mostly indifferent to him and while Dad wouldn't prefer to be married to anyone else, he often wishes he hadn't married you. You've both mentioned that the other changed somewhere in the past 25+ years and that's something I can't stand thinking about - that I'll find someone I care intensely about and that one day when I'm in a situation I can't just walk away from I'll realize the person I depend on is not the person I entered the situation with."

And of course, "I hate coming to the house because it's so disgusting. I know it's not just you but you haven't tried actually forcing the kids to do something to help since I was in high school. I know you're tired but nowadays it's a triumph for you if you can get one of them to do the dishes. You used to have us scrubbing the walls and wiping windows every Saturday. I never want to be this tired."

So yeah... messy.... Besides if I did get married I would wear a red dress. I can't even count the number of cows my mom would have over that idea.

So um... happy thoughts, happy thoughts. The concert last night was superkiller. Though it was short. }:< No encores and almost exclusively tracks from Lateralus, otherwise I only caught "Sober," "Stinkfist," and "Third Eye." But Maynard was feeling talkative. So that was very cool. }:> I thrashed around and banged my head around like a madwoman and now my neck is really tight and sore. Ah but what fun. }:>

Anyway the CD is done and I ought to get on with finding some food.

Later on.