For the three of you that bother reading I figured I should give you a preamble. I'm in a weird headspace as the rest of the entry should explain. I'm in to work doing some overtime and it's pretty quiet in here. Normally it's nice to work without distraction but I'm already distracted and so it's hard to focus. I had to turn off the music because it was getting to me. Ordinarily I like the sort of music that grabs sadness with both hands and stares at it long and hard before pulling out the dissection tools.

Instead I think I'll write for a little bit. Please don't mind me if I ramble.

If I were into upheaval and painful revelations I think 2005 would be a banner year for me. It went up and down and down and then up and somemore up and then down and then sideways and then down and then more down and then EVEN MORE DOWN and then horizontal and bittersweet and then up and then down and then up and maybe just a little bit more up and now... I'm so dizzy I'm not even sure if I'm moving or if it's all in my head.

Emotionally I feel like puking.

I would like some stable ground I guess. And there's still more than a month to go in the year. I want to blame it all on moving to Long Beach, but I think that was a catalyst to force me to accept some changes that needed to happen. But like a lot of people, I guess, I fear change.

I also fear the way the world looks and smells when I'm on my own. I don't necessarily mean walking down the street alone and I don't necessarily mean being single; I mean running into problems and not feeling sure about who I can talk to, who will hear me out, sympathize, generally be available for me to spill so I don't feel...well, alone. Some things are confidential, some things are random tangents associated with central problems or issues for thinking about.

Yeah, there's a few subjects i'm dancing around. There's a lot I want to say, but not all of it belongs in public.

I'm supposed to be putting more effort into apartment hunting. I hate apartment hunting. I hate trying to find a place that should be my home for a while - few months to a few years - by just reading blurbs online, calling some numbers, visting the place while the manager gives me a hard sell and I wonder if I can even make due with the places I can afford. I hate trying to decide between the things I can live with and what I can't and I hate being reminded of the outrageous prices of things where I live.

I don't mean just the prices remind me that it's crazy - I make reasonably good money, it's just hard to make it stretch, which is crazy - but I hate it when talking to peope about they remind that the area is why it's so bad. Like I should just leave. Like I should just give up and move to the midwest where it's not so crazy. Yeah right.

blah. It's something that gets into my head. I hate doing it so I put it off and then it's more irritating when I finally get to it.

That then leads to work because I really like living in Long Beach... I don't want to move to Glendale or North Hollywood though the prices there are much more sane. So... I can keep a long painful commute - until it gets worse when the office moves to Burbank - or I can find something closer to the LBC. Did I mention I fucking hate job hunting? At the moment I don't even have a useful resume.

yesterday, of course, I spent a bunch of time with the family. My two younger bros are still away but will return mid-December for Christmas. My parents are thrilled. I feel distanced from my family, probably because I don't live with them. We get along ok, probably because of the distance though there was still some irritation with my sister and the ever-present disconnect with my oldest brother.

My mom, as always, hinted around about me coming to live with the family. It's still very much in her blood and sense of things that kids don't move out until they start their own families, not just because they get a job a few (say 40) miles away. Then when the parents get old enough they move in with the kids' families. That's just weird in this country and especially looked down on if a kid pushing 30 and living with the parents. But then in Mexico it would be weird that I'm pushing 30 and not married.

There's a connection between that idea and this, but I'm giong to skip ahead because I'm feeling impatient, the idea that I'm just no comfortable anywhere I go. I've really been feeling a strain with being able to see eye to eye with people. They have their lives and I have mine and we don't really interact. It can almost leave me feeling desperate for a connection.

I do have friends, don't get me wrong. It's just a day like today, the day after Thanksgiving that I feel like I'm pulled from them. Many are far away or still busy with stuff, they don't like the phone, they're offline today...whatever. A sort of anxiety grows when I know there's no one around to talk to.

There's few enough people around to talk with these days. Fewer who can listen fully and help me in a way that's acutally useful. So... pardon me if this is rather melodramatic but there's a few things I'm just feeling alone on. I know it's my fault when I don't like to talk about things. *shrug* it's my journal, I'll whine if I want to.