Things are going well in most aspects of my life right now. Berek and I are doing great, my mom and I are closer than ever, I've been getting closer to all of my friends (Bryce, Carrie, Julia, Jen, Rob and Kaylea), and work and school are going well. The only thing that I'm having difficulty with is coping with the loss of my beloved dog, Socks.

During the day, I'm fine. I tend to have a lot of things to do that keep me from thinking about it. But, I find that right after I close my eyes to go to sleep, all of the pent up thoughts, feelings, etc. that pertain to her seem to bubble up and cause me to not be able to sleep. I'm not sure of exactly why. Maybe without realizing it, I do shove all my thoughts and emotions aside during the day and they all flood back with a fury at night. I feel like I am dealing with it though. I think about her and I think of all the good times we had, and I can do okay during the day, but not at night. Maybe it's because I'm left alone with my thoughts and feelings. During the day, I'm around other people. I just don't know, but since Thursday night, all I can do is lay in bed and think about her and cry. I think about waking Berek to talk, but I can't. Maybe it's just my way of trying to deal with it. I just don't know.

Tonight, I thought about her playing with her little stuffie toys. She'd carry them around with her ever so gently. They were like her babies. I can just see her with the blue octopus that I bought her for Christmas last year. She'd have it in her mouth so that all the legs would be splayed out and it would look so funny, and her tail wagging. Thinking of that, I remembered how my mom made me put all of my Care Bears in a box in the garage. I got so mad when one day I saw a few of my Care Bears being carried around by her. She looked so proud because she figured out the 'cardboard' puzzle. Needless to say, I didn't think it was cute then, but I do now.

Maybe I'm crazy, but I miss her. I stated before, it's like a part of my childhood went with her and I can't get it back.

I think I feel guilty, for suggesting that we put her to sleep that night. Everyone says it was probably for the best, but how do we know? The fact of the matter is, we don't. I'll never know if I did the right thing or not. I didn't want her to suffer and it was clear to me that she was. At the same time, I wanted to keep her safe and sound, but I couldn't. She went so quietly. She looked like she was sleeping. If only it were true.

*sigh* Does any of this make any sense? Do any of these feelings make any sense? I feel so lost and guilty...