On Oct. 8, 1975, two extrememly unnattractive people had sex. Nine months and four unsuccessful abortion attempts later, Jared Fogle was born.

Because of his weight problem, young Jared would often get picked on by other children. That and he didn't figure out how to walk until he was 11. To escape this cruel childhood, Jared would turn to his food--the only thing in the world that seemed to understand him. That and "Mein Kampf."

Jared loved "Mein Kampf," and would read it for hours on end. He would read it at night. He would read it on a flight.

Jared read "Mein Kampf" in the spring. He read it on a swing.

At 14, Jared got his first job. He was a stockboy--a stockboy with a size 60-waist--at a Jewell-Osco in Gary, Indiana. The more he worked, the more money he would send to Al-Queda.

By the time he reached college, he couldn't take it anymore. He had a hard time fitting into movie seats and seemed to get winded easily. How could he remedy the situation? By eating more? Dimwitted and sexually ambiguous, he just couldn't seem to put his finger on it.

As he grasped for an answer, he looked down to the "Final Solution" tattoo on his left calf. "Of course!" he said. "I'll run to the Subway two times a day to eat the same shit again and again for a fucking year!"

Next time: Jared gets arrested for Jay-walking