I can honestly say, without exaggerating, that tomorrow is the single most important day in the history of the universe.

The Steelers have been trying to get "one for the thumb" for nearly 3 decades. They already had one for all the real fingers when the Seahawks were in swaddling clothes. If they can pull it off, I really want to start wearing replica Super Bowl rings on every finger of my right hand.

I just wrote the most-biased article of my young journalism career, praising local Steelers fans. After it runs tomorrow, maybe I'll post it up here somehow.

I am so pumped up I cannot even began to describe it. I can't even think of anything witty. But I'm going to try anyway.

Why Seattle sucks:

-The beverage most synonymous with Pittsburgh is, of course, Iron City Beer (whose aluminum can Budweiser recently ganked). If you're not from Pittsburgh, you probably think it sucks. Well, I have news with you: You suck. You're not going to see any Starbucks commercials of a guy swinging a hammer, then pounding an Iron. More likely, you'll see a commercial of a jerk in an Internet cafe trying to pick up minors.

-Seattle's baseball team is called the Mariners. Only a lucid moment by a P.R. person prevented them from being called the Seamen. 'Nuff said.

Note: Pittsburgh's baseball team is the Pirates. They would sack the shit out of the Mariners on the open sea.

-The 'Supersonics? What the fuck? You're going to name your team after a sound? I'm just going to stop there before I write something in truly horrible taste.

-Seattle is treacherously close to Canada, our northern sworn enemy. Just try to secede, Seattle, I dare you. That stupid building--a rotating restaurant or whatever the hell it is--would crush thousands of Starbucks-sipping alt-rock fans.

-Jerome Bettis is fatter than any tree-hugging hippy in that damn city. Seriously, people, you need to eat.

But not this weekend, Seattle. For his final NFL act, Bettis will feast on your weak, worthless souls.