My daily Diet Cokes have officially been replaced by daily Ibuprofin. I have had a crazy painful stiff neck for days. I even had trouble getting out of bed this morning. I hold Diet Coke entirely responsible. I hold Diet Coke responsible for a lot these days.

Have a midterm and a paper due tonight and no time to work on them?

It's Diet Coke's fault!

Only got two hours of sleep?

Go and thank Diet Coke!

Can't find your car keys?

That asshole, Diet Coke, probably took them!

Discovered that no, soda water with orange slices in it does not "do the trick"?

That's because Diet Coke peed in it first!

Have Bad breath?

Diet Coke MUST be held accountable!

Can't stop thinking about the chocolate chip cookies next door at Constantino's?

Seethe with rage at Diet Coke the entire time that you stomp into the store, slam your money on the counter, angrily tear into them with your stinky incisors, and hiss and spew cookie crumbs at anyone that looks at you sideways.

Good day to you.