I'm about to make a scene. In fact, all sporting goods stores should immediately board up their windows the moment they see me careening down the sidewalk toward them. Lock the doors. Put up the closed signs because you never know. It could be your store I have my fit in, a kicking-screaming fit.

And here's why: Sports apparel manufacturers don't make apparel for people who actually play, you know, sports. They make apparel for people who want to look like they play sports or, rather, like an idealized version of a person who plays sports because someone who actually played sports would never wear these clothes! (Insert visual of me tearing down racks of hot pants masquerading as running shorts and stomping on them.)

Let's review a few things for the benefit of the clothing designers.

1. A piece of loose fabric with a band of elastic the width of my pinky sewn inside a pink and purple tank top is not, I repeat, NOT a sports bra. There are ten year olds who need more support than that. And nobody wants to wear a sports bra under a "sports bra" under a tank top. It's too hot. It chafes. You start to smell faster. Smelly is not sexy, even when it's in a pink and purple tank top.

2. Cotton holds sweat. See "smelly" comment above. Putting the words "active wear" on the tag doesn't change this. Seriously, who are you kidding?

3. Hot pants are not running shorts. They are career wear for strippers.

4. Lace doesn't belong on running tights, ever. There is no excuse for this. You should be ashamed.

5. And last but never, ever least: Thong underwear made of technical fabric and marketed as "for sport." What sport? Please, tell me. I want to know what sport is better played with a wad of fabric up my keister.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some Sports R Us employees to terrorize.