Step 1: Family has fled to parts north. You are exhausted. Lie on couch. Observe you are hungry. Find you have neither the strength nor the will to do anything about this.

Step 2: Observe that hunger now outweighs sloth. Wander in general kitchen-like direction.

Step 3: Open fridge. Look at leftover Tupperware containers. Close fridge. Open pantry. Repeat.

Step 4: Take out cold mashed potatoes, baggie full of turkey and half a raw onion.

Step 5: Toss turkey into food processor for no reason other than it's sitting on the counter. Turn on. Observe the speed at which you can turn turkey into mince. Become excited by the power. Try onion next.

Step 6: Put results into bowl. Add mashed potatoes, salt, pepper, egg and flour. Mush.

Step 7: Become distracted by Bond movie on television. Observe overwhelming hotness of Pierce Brosnan. Conclude men peak in their 50s.

Step 8: Heat olive oil in pan. Form mush mixture into hockey pucks. Smoosh around in plate of panko crumbs. Brown.

Step 9: Eat. Decide you are a culinary genius. Celebrate by watching Pierce Brosnan take off his shirt.