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Just smoked a cigarette. Had one yesterday as well and one on the Saturday and another on the Sunday of last weekend. As expected, hasn't made anything any better, just left me wanting another one now. Have been trying to mend myself using all the methods I can remember but no success so far. Still wake up wishing I was someone else, with a different life, a different past and another future.

Have done: yoga, singing, walking, eating healthily.

Have attempted: Being honest about how I am with people in my real life. Not so easy, esp after mega-negative response from first person I tried it with. Still full of intensity over that - I thought she cared for me, but she doesn't, not enough to listen to who I am, how I feel, instead of projecting who she wants me to be over it all. Building up to speaking to my sister-in-law. Scared.

Wake up full of dread. Usually spend day alone as everyone works. Spiral downhill, but have held on so far.

Bloke and I tottering together again, cautiously.

Tomorrow I have appointment back at the mental health team where I did the long recovery programme a few years ago. Never thought I'd get this bad again, but here I am.

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