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Well it's still too hard, far too hard and my whatever you call it, equilibrium, is fucking shaky as shit, I'm all over the place, doing, saying and thinking some fairly outre stuff, but I had a review with a psychiatrist today, or a psychologist, she was a doctor and one that it felt OK to just keep on talking to and when I'd finished explaining what was going on I could see that actually I'm doing pretty damn good in the circs. You don't know the half of it, for which I apologise - I have liked to keep this blog coherent as a whole, but there's been fucking loads. I expect it will come out in dribs and drabs.

Anyway, I am meant to do something soothing every single day, something consciously and deliberately chosen to calm the frazzled nerves, shut that fucker anxiety up for a while and I keep forgetting so I'm going to exchange it for a couple of gratitudes - three of those and one soothing choice every day

Today I am grateful for: Sis offering to have Grandson to stay while we are at Glasto; YD and SIL being already on site, having grabbed a good spot for our camp, in the morning shade, next to the path so SIL won't have to deal with guy ropes when it gets crowded; for being reminded of the things I am getting right

I soothed myself by taking Sis's younger granddaughter out for a long walk in her buggy and by something else which I knew at the top of this page but have forgotten now.

I also realised that I am now a size 20, which is quite big, though not that bad as I am 5ft 9in tall, but it is incredibly difficult to find clothes that signal who I am and the reason that is important is to stop fucking old tossers from chatting shit to me about immigrants and benefit scroungers. I want to look like the sort of person they hate on sight, just fuck off away from me and I'll stay away from you - that's who I am.

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