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Half and half
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So. Today started off worse than yesterday, but I had acupuncture this afternoon which chilled me right out, if only for the time being. I'm back to having vivid, intense dreams which cover long periods of time, like weeks or months and I'm always struggling, always fail, always cause some mega-disaster through a throwaway remark and end up isolated and broken. Then wake up exhausted. Never the best way to start the day.

But today there were things I just had to do, like communicate my inability to meet my friends this weekend, done whilst sitting in the shed, chain-smoking like a twat, all sobbing and snotty and horrible with the rain pounding on the asbestos roof. I can certainly make a meal of things.

Also, I've let myself get down to my last two sleeping pills so had to sort out a prescription, which isn't always easy but did get me out of the house to receive the call-back (my mobile doesn't get enough signal here to take calls, just texts). I dragged myself to the last half hour of singing group, then just trudged about in the drizzle till it was time for my acupuncture. I can collect my meds from the chemist tomorrow. Yay.

I'm aware this isn't the most scintillating of posts, but when I read back I realise that I tend to just stop writing when I'm low, so there's no proper account of what it's like. The anxiety bit, apart from making it very hard to initiate any kind of action, feels as if my skin has been peeled back, leaving me raw and over-sensitive to anything that isn't soft and smooth. Noises, sudden movements, the press of people on the street or on a bus, changes in plans, anything. So I did OK today, getting and staying on the bus when it was packed, standing room only (though I looked rough enough that someone gave me their seat), steamy windows and, for extra travelling joy, a crying baby. I manage that by letting myself cry - they're all strangers, I'm long past giving a shit what strangers think about me, in fact I know that they probably don't beyond, she's crying, he's got a big nose, what shall I have for my tea - and by doing mindfulness and breathing and shit like that, which keeps me in a place where I don't have to get off the fucking bus NOW.

I am grateful for: that post-acupuncture calm; friends; being warm and dry; a hug from the singing teacher; kindness in the comments xxxxxxxxx

Sleep tight

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