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How I'm looking after myself
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So in between the episodes of whatever it's called that I've been experiencing, I've tried to keep up all the soothing stuff, like yoga and art group. It's not had any continuing soothing effect, not for even as long as an hour, but while I've been doing it, I've felt engaged and present and not overwhelmed with scary emotional weirdness, so I've kept on.

I love my yoga class, I love the teacher even. I took the piss out of him on here for quite a while but now I love his lightness of spirit, his kindness and his silliness. And the fact that he drivels on all the time, whilst telling us not to pay too much attention, not to strive to understand, or indeed to strive too much for anything during the class. I wasn't really listening much anyway, but I did catch that and liked it. It's what I used to tell kids before they saw their first play by Shakespeare - don't struggle too much to understand, let it wash over you and the meaning will become clear. It always works for Shakespeare, not sure about his monologues.

I'm still doing the 6,000 steps too, sometimes quite fiercely, in the icy rain, stomping along the seafront, willing myself back to health.

And collecting driftwood, more than I can carry comfortably, but carrying it anyway. This is a good thing, I think. Not sure. There's anger there and (the wrong kind of) pride.

More than two months off the fags. Have cravings but think (loudly), "This'll pass in a moment or two," and it does. I don't engage with the cravings and they go.

I made my room a bit less temporary looking - put some pictures up, including one of ED I took last time I was there, a couple of weeks ago. It's taken me a while to realise that pictures of how she was just break my heart - I need to remind myself that she's actually OK with where she is - she's peaceful and she's still my darling girl. I also do need to commit to living here, at least for now. By which I mean if I don't commit, it'll never work out. If I do and it still doesn't then off I go, but I need to give it a shot. So I put some things up, made it look like I'm staying a while.

I am grateful for living on the coast; wind dying down for a bit; a better day; A Book at Bedtime ; breath

Laters xxx

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