Silly Thinking
*with Jim Farris*
2011585 Curiosities served
BREAKING NEWS: STEWART GUILTY, ASHCROFT HOSPITALIZED, JOB GROWTH
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THIS IS SILLY BREAKING NEWS:
MARTHA STEWART GUILTY ON ALL CHARGES
ASHCROFT HOSPITALIZED IN INTENSIVE CARE
JOBS FORECAST IN FEBRUARY PROVEN WRONG
From our New York World News Headquarters in New York, here is Connie Chung!
CC: Good evening to the east coast and good afternoon to the west coast. Good late afternoon or early evening to the midwest and central time zones.
In a shocking development and massive setback to her empire and self esteem, the maven of good taste and household hints, Martha Stewart, was found guilty on all counts in her federal trial today in New York City.
Stewart was found guilty of Conspiracy, obstruction of justice, and two counts of lying under oath, all total she now faces up to 20 years in federal prison.
In reality it is likely, probable, said one legal expert, that she will serve at least 2, maybe more, years in prison.
Martha Stewart issued a statement on her website vowing to clear her name and fight to overturn these verdicts. Stewarts defense team virtually stated the same thing after the trial explaining that they will appeal to the supreme court if necessary.
In the courtroom as the verdicts were read Stewart was described as unemotional and stoic while her daughter wept openly.
Shares of Martha Stewart OmniMedia plummeted 23 points after the verdicts were made public with an audible sigh heard on the trading floor.
Joining me now is Doctor Henry Kissinger
HK: Hello Connie. It’s a sad day.
CC: Why is that Doctor Kissinger?
HK: Vell, if Martha Stewart goes down none of us are safe. All the rich, pompous, arrogant, pricks in de United States better make sure dere clean as da visssle.
CC: That’s a good point Doctor Kissinger.
HK: Yeah, you bet your stock options it is. If I vere you and that muckraking husband of yours I’d get out right now before it’s too late.
CC: We’re fine, Doctor.
HK: Yeah right. And I’m a man of peace. Come on Chung wake up. It’s over for da likes of lying bastards and phonies like you and me.
CC: Thank you, Doctor Kissinger.
HK: Dat’s right, cut me off. But you can’t cut off de truth.
CC: In another shocking development, in Washington D.C. today, The Attorney General John Ashcroft was rushed to the hospital today and is in intensive care with a diagnosis of severe Gallstone Pancreatis. The most painful gallstone malady there is.
Medical experts have said the attorney general is in excruciating pain and can not get comfortable and that this phase of the illness can continue for days or weeks before surgery to remove the pancreas is probable.
Here to help me understand this severe medical condition is retired doctor Douglas Lain, Sr.
Good afternoon, evening, late afternoon, and early evening doctor.
DLS: Good afternoon, Connie Chung.
CC: Doctor what can be done for the attorney general?
DLS: Nothing really Connie. At this stage no pain killers or medication will do anything really. If I were there I would probably prescribe a harmless placebo or low level across the counter drug just to give the patient false hope that something is being done.
CC: That sounds pessimistic doctor.
DLS: Does it? I dunno. I did that basic thing for well over two hundred patients over a twenty year career and retired a wealthy man. It works for me.
CC: What about the patients.
DLS: What about ‘em?
CC: Well it sounds like….
DLS: Look, most medicine and medical treatment is a scam. Eat right, don’t smoke, and laugh, and you probably never have to see someone like me. But if doctors were truthful and said that we’d be out of business. So we pretend. Just like you people in the news pretend.
Most of adult life is a bluff and bullshit anyway. Right?
Take my wife, she thinks--
CC: Thank you Doctor Lain.
In another developing shocking development the President’s job forecast for last month was way off. The jobless rate remained at 5.6% with about 21,000 new jobs in the United States. President Bush and his team predicted, on the record, three times that many jobs for the month and in a further shocking development the numbers published by the U.S. government for January were overly optimistic as well. The government labor department overstated jobs in January by about 14,000 bringing the true number of new jobs near single digit or no growth.
Here to help put this situation into perspective is another lying American President Bill Clinton.
Good evening, afternoon, early evening, and late afternoon Mister Former President.
BC: Hi Connie. Don’t you look nice today.
CC: Thank you President Clinton. How does the President explain these wildly wrong estimates of job growth?
BC: Well, if I was President, and I was during the greatest economic growth in this countries history, I would have looked straight into the American peoples collective face and lied like a rug.
CC: But Bush is doing that and it doesn’t seem to be working.
BC: Yeah I know. That poor lousy bastard.
CC: But what should he do?
BC: I don’t know Connie. If that doesn’t work he’s fucked, man.
CC: Thank you Bill Clinton.
BC: Boy, do you like nice. Thank you Connie.
CC: I’m blushing like a little a girl. We’ll have more on these developing stories as they develop.
For now I’m Connie Chung in New York. See you later.
THIS HAS BEEN SILLY THINKING BREAKING NEWS.
A presentation of Silly Thinking News. More Americans get there news from Silly Thinking than any other source.
BC: See that’s how you do it. Doggies, their good.
Jim Farris presents Silly Thinking with Douglas Lain Sr. A placebo for the headache that is everyday life.
MARTHA STEWART GUILTY ON ALL CHARGES
ASHCROFT HOSPITALIZED IN INTENSIVE CARE
JOBS FORECAST IN FEBRUARY PROVEN WRONG
From our New York World News Headquarters in New York, here is Connie Chung!
CC: Good evening to the east coast and good afternoon to the west coast. Good late afternoon or early evening to the midwest and central time zones.
In a shocking development and massive setback to her empire and self esteem, the maven of good taste and household hints, Martha Stewart, was found guilty on all counts in her federal trial today in New York City.
Stewart was found guilty of Conspiracy, obstruction of justice, and two counts of lying under oath, all total she now faces up to 20 years in federal prison.
In reality it is likely, probable, said one legal expert, that she will serve at least 2, maybe more, years in prison.
Martha Stewart issued a statement on her website vowing to clear her name and fight to overturn these verdicts. Stewarts defense team virtually stated the same thing after the trial explaining that they will appeal to the supreme court if necessary.
In the courtroom as the verdicts were read Stewart was described as unemotional and stoic while her daughter wept openly.
Shares of Martha Stewart OmniMedia plummeted 23 points after the verdicts were made public with an audible sigh heard on the trading floor.
Joining me now is Doctor Henry Kissinger
HK: Hello Connie. It’s a sad day.
CC: Why is that Doctor Kissinger?
HK: Vell, if Martha Stewart goes down none of us are safe. All the rich, pompous, arrogant, pricks in de United States better make sure dere clean as da visssle.
CC: That’s a good point Doctor Kissinger.
HK: Yeah, you bet your stock options it is. If I vere you and that muckraking husband of yours I’d get out right now before it’s too late.
CC: We’re fine, Doctor.
HK: Yeah right. And I’m a man of peace. Come on Chung wake up. It’s over for da likes of lying bastards and phonies like you and me.
CC: Thank you, Doctor Kissinger.
HK: Dat’s right, cut me off. But you can’t cut off de truth.
CC: In another shocking development, in Washington D.C. today, The Attorney General John Ashcroft was rushed to the hospital today and is in intensive care with a diagnosis of severe Gallstone Pancreatis. The most painful gallstone malady there is.
Medical experts have said the attorney general is in excruciating pain and can not get comfortable and that this phase of the illness can continue for days or weeks before surgery to remove the pancreas is probable.
Here to help me understand this severe medical condition is retired doctor Douglas Lain, Sr.
Good afternoon, evening, late afternoon, and early evening doctor.
DLS: Good afternoon, Connie Chung.
CC: Doctor what can be done for the attorney general?
DLS: Nothing really Connie. At this stage no pain killers or medication will do anything really. If I were there I would probably prescribe a harmless placebo or low level across the counter drug just to give the patient false hope that something is being done.
CC: That sounds pessimistic doctor.
DLS: Does it? I dunno. I did that basic thing for well over two hundred patients over a twenty year career and retired a wealthy man. It works for me.
CC: What about the patients.
DLS: What about ‘em?
CC: Well it sounds like….
DLS: Look, most medicine and medical treatment is a scam. Eat right, don’t smoke, and laugh, and you probably never have to see someone like me. But if doctors were truthful and said that we’d be out of business. So we pretend. Just like you people in the news pretend.
Most of adult life is a bluff and bullshit anyway. Right?
Take my wife, she thinks--
CC: Thank you Doctor Lain.
In another developing shocking development the President’s job forecast for last month was way off. The jobless rate remained at 5.6% with about 21,000 new jobs in the United States. President Bush and his team predicted, on the record, three times that many jobs for the month and in a further shocking development the numbers published by the U.S. government for January were overly optimistic as well. The government labor department overstated jobs in January by about 14,000 bringing the true number of new jobs near single digit or no growth.
Here to help put this situation into perspective is another lying American President Bill Clinton.
Good evening, afternoon, early evening, and late afternoon Mister Former President.
BC: Hi Connie. Don’t you look nice today.
CC: Thank you President Clinton. How does the President explain these wildly wrong estimates of job growth?
BC: Well, if I was President, and I was during the greatest economic growth in this countries history, I would have looked straight into the American peoples collective face and lied like a rug.
CC: But Bush is doing that and it doesn’t seem to be working.
BC: Yeah I know. That poor lousy bastard.
CC: But what should he do?
BC: I don’t know Connie. If that doesn’t work he’s fucked, man.
CC: Thank you Bill Clinton.
BC: Boy, do you like nice. Thank you Connie.
CC: I’m blushing like a little a girl. We’ll have more on these developing stories as they develop.
For now I’m Connie Chung in New York. See you later.
THIS HAS BEEN SILLY THINKING BREAKING NEWS.
A presentation of Silly Thinking News. More Americans get there news from Silly Thinking than any other source.
BC: See that’s how you do it. Doggies, their good.
Jim Farris presents Silly Thinking with Douglas Lain Sr. A placebo for the headache that is everyday life.
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