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Why, yes, I am still alive
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Hi. I know, long time no write. Sorry about that. I never know I'm going to feel like taking nearly a whole month off from the journal until it's almost over.

Instead of trying to cover the last month and ending up stalled, I'll just start with this weekend like I haven't been gone, ok? Cool.

So, this weekend has been one writing avoidance behavior after another. I had one deadline of January 1st for a story, which I met, but I was pleasantly surprised with another deadline for a story, this one the end of the month. The thing is all my stories are out (I sent out three on January 1st, go me!), so I'm forced to try to wrangle some of my floating story ideas into cohesion. I'm a slow writer -- the last new story, which I just sent out on the first, I first drafted something like a year and 3/4 ago. Now, what I should do is just keep drafting new stories, letting those sit, then harvesting them periodically to revise then let them simmer again, so I always have stories in different stages of completion. Oh, and finish this novel. Anyway, the short version is that I'm trying to come up with a really unique, complete story idea that I can finish in a month; what I'll get is probably several first drafts of several different stories, which is actually a very good thing. A good start on my different stages plan...

Oh, see, now this is why I'm not updating these days. I'm barely coherent. I have tried to write several times and ended up marking them private because the entries ramble on and make no sense. I wilil endeavor to let this one stand, but really, you can't make fun of me, ok?

I waffle about doing public resolutions, but what the hell:

- Take my health more seriously (eat healthy, exercise, limit caffeine, etc)

- Make more time for writing (write on the train, do cafe weekend writing, draft more stories, finish this damn novel but soon, etc)

- Be more social (I think this is the hardest one, honestly, because every time I do something social I get anxiety about how it went. The one exception seems to be cons, which somehow usually go wonderfully and I never worry over too much afterwards. Weird.)

- Make sure I'm being kind and loving to my family (Tim, Mom, Holly, Aleister, Cindy)

- Get this wedding thing done in fashionable, yet inexpensive, style.

- Be better with money.

Anyway, I was going to write about how I've been avoiding writing this weekend. My bedroom? It is clean. The laundry? It is all done. We also went out to see Kinsey last night, which was very fun. The parkway is one of those old, cool theatres that serves food and beer, and we always bring pillows so the comfy chairs (we were too late to score a couch) are even comfier.

Today I plan to avoid writing by planning healthy meals for the week and making a low-calorie dessert. Perhaps I shall clean the living room or mop all the floors as well.

Of course, I did manage to sit down and squeeze out 650 words yesterday. And I worked on my novel on the train a bit last week. I'm trying to ignore my revulsion to my own work, but it's tricky. Do any of you ever feel like you're writing the same damn shit over and over? I suppose it's a bad sign that I'm bored with my own writing right now, but I can't seem to change it.

I keep trying to think of some whacked-out, bizzarre idea that no one in their right mind would want to publish. I think that might feel damn good right now. Sometimes I think the more I understand about how to craft a story, the more broken my creativity is. Fuck. See what I mean? I'm so freakin' meta in my thinking right now I can't seem to break out of the circle. Perhaps I need some drugs or a naked walk down the street in the rain or *something* out of the ordinary to shake things up. But it's hard to shake things up when you're also trying so very hard to be good (see resolutions above).

Anyway, I think this sort of resembles a journal entry, so I'm going to go ahead and post it. Ciao!

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