I miss energy. I wish I had more. It seeps from me faster than a balloon let loose.

I miss my children. I miss them a lot.

I miss my grandchildren. I worry that I won't have the energy for them anymore. Pffft. Of course I'll always have energy for them.

I miss.

I miss dancing in the kitchen.

I miss having someone share the anticipation of a dinner party. I miss doing prep work and breaking away from the counter to two-step once or twice or thrice to Baby James Taylor.

I miss.

I miss having a daughter or husband who can give me an assist when I need one. Share a meal. Conversation. Dote on them. Dote is such an odd word, I think.

I miss David lugging my groceries or hefting a case of wine to the garage fridge. I miss the easy conversation and youthful energy. He called unusually late this evening. We talk often, but tonight was a bonus. It was so uncanny... his timing. It was the best medicine ever, ever. He reminds me of things I need to remember. He's good at that. He even reminds me of things I didn't know he knew - the mechanisms of my odd little life. He's a keen observer.

I miss Olivia because she's Olivia. She's precious. She calls me Mama Bean. I received a note from her grandmother today. She's amazing! One never forgets her hugs. They emboss a person with extreme affection.

This week I've missed a lot, but the bonus is that tomorrow night I'm having a small dinner party and my heart is doing cartwheels with grateful anticipation. I love to open my home to people. Feed them well. Drink in lively conversation with a glass of wine or two.

****
Tonight I'm homesick for the life I thought I'd have.

But my life ain't all that bad - really and truly. In fact I have an amazing life! I wouldn't trade with anyone. I would scream, "Git yer mitts off my life - it's my'in."

Or something like that.

****

I have a great boss. He's so upbeat and positive. Today I got the email crap beaten out of me from several snotty rich frat boys. My boss and I are third party administrators for drug testing on university campuses. *NO EDITORIALS ARE PERMITTED* My boss is a good egg with a noble mission, but no frat boy wants to be tested for any drugs. So, every day, I'm an asshole. *laughing* Today, though, a tiny miracle occurred: One of the Chapter Presidents came to my defense and said wonderful things about me.

Um, wonder what he was using?

****

Joan is my housekeeper/confident/friend. Though I engage her services to help me in my home, years ago we graduated with an advanced degree in friendship. The past two weeks, she's been on call more than an ER nurse. She resuscitates my tired life. What would I do without her? Her help was invaluable with the before and after with my new carpet. Here's a photo - I promise more:






Today a most beautiful arrangement of flowers arrived at my front door. You guessed it (or maybe not) they were from Joan. She has good instincts.

I like Joan. The past few weeks we've gone out to lunch a few times. By appearances, it would be tough to discern who works for whom. *laughing* Anyone who knows me also knows I don't give a fig.

****

I miss that certain harbinger of hope that doctors can give. I have no pretty ribbon, no chemical cures or treatments. What I have is a test tube of hope with clinical trials.

****

Sorry. This is a horrid post. This week was difficult.

Tomorrow will be glorious. My home will be alive, alive, alive!

As always, thanks for listening. I would miss you if you weren't listening.

After thought: I think the problem lies with me. I laugh a lot. I allow everyone to think I'm invincible. I'm not.

I miss.

P.S. Here I am with my new snazzy glasses. The deep red color with chevron design does not show up... but they're pretty snazzy.