Someone new to JS recently emailed me with updates and then made the observation that I'd been quiet lately. Hahahahaha. This lovely person has not been at JS long enough to catch onto my MO of spotty postings. I tend to read posts and leave comments more often than I make my own posts. That's why I bow to the painted toes of the Goddess of JS, Miss Netta.

I think I'm funny. I like funny. Often my brand of funny requires a certain dash, elan, or squirt of self-deprecation. I am the sort of person who apologizes for everything. Point in case: Last night I had a dinner party, and totally without realizing it, I was apologizing for everything - minute details, bullshit stuff, who cares minutia, are you kidding me crap. One of my delightful guests commented, "Reenie, stop apologizing - everything's perfect!" I laughed. She was right. My dinner party was p-e-r-f-e-c-t. I am the perfect hostess and entertain with perfect graciousness. It's just that I am the sorriest person you will ever meet! :) I apologize for everything.

Okay. Sorry. I got carried away there. (see!)

At last night's table were my non-drinking friends. Without nary a drop of alcohol, we had the best time - laughed and ate ourselves silly. Backstory for those who have missed this newsflash: I've decided to forgo alcoholic beverages. I've often vacillated on this issue, but at this moment I am enjoying my life sans alcohol. There are many upsides to this choice, but the best is the many new friends I have made - some of the brightest and best on The Mountain.

Anyway, last night I tossed out the subject regarding single women and invitations to social events. This was not a pitiful observation - I'm lucky to have a full and vibrant social life. But the cruel fact is this: A single man completes a table at a dinner party. A single woman threatens it. This is an indisputable fact.

So, now that I am no longer drinking, I've wondered if it might even more so affect the number of social invitations I'll receive. Come on now - you know that we non-drinkers somehow or another threaten those who do drink. They find us scary - when in fact, I believe they are scared for themselves. Hey, it's my site I can post what I want! :)

For clarity and validation, I've made a 12-step list of reasons why more than ever I should be included on your guest list - especially since I am a non-drinker.

1. I won't spill my red wine on your white carpet - or any color drink or carpet for that matter
2. I won't trip in a stupor and topple your heirloom vase
3. I won't fall asleep at the table with my face in my soup
4. I won't get drunk and make inappropriate passes at the married men in attendance (well, maybe if they make the first move, heh)
5. I won't break the stem of your Waterford wine glass
6. I won't throw up, well, anywhere
7. I will always be the party's designated driver
8. I will be able to write a gracious thank you note because I will remember where I’ve been
9. I won't knock over your charming votive candles and burn down your home
10. Hey! I'm a inexpensive addition to your guest list - I won't guzzle your vintage wines
11. I won't wet my panties and stain your upholstered furniture
12. You won’t read about my arrest in the next day's paper, which would include a mention of your party

Well, there you have it. I'm the perfect guest now. So, when's dinner?

Cheers! Reenie

P.S. I invite you to make additions to my list - any oversights to why the non-drinker is the perfect guest. xoxo