Anybody like Math and Science? No, I didn't think so. To tell you the truth, I don't like Math and Science either. So here I'm giving you some solutions to some various Math and Science problems I've come up against in the past few days.

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1) New York Yankees + Randy Johnson = good pitching, bloated payroll, another loss to a small market team late in the playoffs.

2) New York Mets + Pedro Martinez = possibly risky transaction putting aging Pedro next to aging Glavine in the wasteland of Shea Stadium (where great players go to die ie. Bobby Bonilla, Mo Vaugn)

3) Bad local bands + Coffee House = hipsters who look like cool progressive types, but wouldn't know their way around progressive politics with a flashlight and a Fisher-Price map. The equation should read more like this: Bad local bands + Coffee House = Coffee House - ME!

Maybe the coffee house equation should read as follows:

Bad Art + corny theme + overpriced coffee
divided by
the decision to make it a smoking/non-smoking establishment
multiplied by
small tables, built just big enough to hold one opened textbook
is all equaled to
The Jupiter House in Denton, TX.

4) English Major + Bachelor Degree = Hallmark Card writer.

5) Sociology Major + Bachelor Degree = the ability to study the Sociological forces of why recent college graduates with Sociology degrees make no money.

6) Music Major + Bachelor Degree = gainfully employeed by Norwegian Cruise Lines as in-ship entertainment.

7) Social Work Major + Bachelor Degree = a career in activism and making world a better place. How cool is that? Why don't *they* get paid more?

8) Theater Major + Bachelor Degree = community theater productions of "Guys and Dolls," "Brigadoon," and "Annie Get Your Gun."

9) French, German, Spanish Major + Bachelor Degree = high school teacher.

10) Business major + Bachelor Degree = Republican

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How about some Algebra

Jude Law = "X" multiplied by (Movie of 2004)

where "X" is equal to "Stars in every single..."

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Calculus

Person who can't see the "sines" of a worsening situation in Iraq, who goes off on "tangents" in press conferences, and "cosines" legislation impeding on civil liberties
is equal to
1/100th of what we should expect from the POTUS

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Science problem: SAT style

One big story of 2004 is Morgan Spurlock's "Supersize Me," where he ate every meal at McDonalds for the span of one month. He wanted to see the adverse effects of making every McMeal, a McDonalds meal.

"Supersize Me" experiment to show that McDonalds food is unhealthy

is to

Sun experiment to show that the sun is:

a) made of ketchup
b) powered by the music of "Jefferson Starship"
c) hot
d) found in the ingredients of Chicken Diavalo

-the answer being "C." As you may have guessed, the sun is indeed hot-
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Geometry

The area of a Pink Triangle
divided by
the narrowness of thinking inside the Box
is equal to
homophobic constitutional amendments

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Genetics

My nephews + my nieces = me hoping that all of the cute genes of my family haven't been used up already.

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Extra Credit

clear skies + starry sky + looking upward = wondering why I forgot the Pink Floyd, cliche rumblings of "how small I feel," and "wonder if there's life out there."

matt out