Mr. Cloudy's Shelter
A Place to Listen and be Heard

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How do you discipline yourself? I can't say I have any pattern that works. When I contemplate the things I do not do that some part of me wishes I would do - not just the things someone else wishes but the things I really wish for (thought it's not always easy to separate the two - and it seems clear that some part of me doesn't wish to do them too), it seems that a creative response is more than likely to come from finding some sort of feeling of spaciousness. Mind you, I'm making no great claims of success here -- I'm 80 pounds overweight, for one example. But it seems that the disciplines that are least fleeting (fleeting though they may all be) are those that come from becoming more open hearted and never less. More open hearted to life, to myself, to others, to happiness. And usually this also involves giving up some measure of sought-after control. Control almost always seems to shut me down inside and a collapse of discipline always seems most imminent with it.

Sometimes it's just admitting to myself that x isn't necessarily my destiny, or at least that I can't know if it is or not. Sometimes it's just admitting to myself that I haven't been willing to try and being open to failure (I don't like that one).

So I guess most often it seems that doing what I need to do, and doing what is good for me, come out of a creative sense of freedom. And I write about it now because I see that even though this seems true to me, I spend precious little time cultivating this sense, and instead default to inner blame games, shaming, guilt, depression, avoidance, etc. So I guess this is a confessional. Forgive me Brothers and Sisters, for I have sinned. And perhaps no habit is more stubborn than being suckered into the control habit which just doesn't seem to serve me or anyone else particularly well. It makes me tired and withdrawn in the end.

And I realize this sounds kind of pop-psychology 101 - love yourself, follow your bliss, etc. But while that always is made to sound easy, I find this profoundly difficult, and for some reason when I start with self-love I never get very open and creative. And those seem to be my magic words.

What are yours?

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