I've never been this close financially. I'm a little more calm than I was this morning, because I did a rough budget and I think I can pay my barest obligations through October. I have a cushion, but it's not much, and I'd prefer to keep it for the unexpected, such as an emergency lobotomy.

It's been at least a decade since I had to do the "which bill do I pay today" dance. Oy, I forgot how it churns up my gut.

CopMan was very helpful in assuring me that things will be okay. I said, "Tell me that it's okay to be scared, and that I'll be okay," and said it right back to me. Big M, thanks for the walking and talking and encouragement. Your gentle way is such a blessing to me. And you know I mean that.

It's all about fear, really. Fear that I'll run out of money. Fear that I will get a roommate and that she or he will turn schizo on me after they agree to live in my sanctuary. Fear that I might, just might, actually be really good, that I'll be accountable, that I can tolerate people being reliant on me.

It would be nice not to be scared of what's to come, but you have to admit, fear is not only a bitch, but a damn good motivator.

I'm on it! I'm on it!