This is one of those days where I am a danger -- file cabinets burst into flame as I pass, milk curdles when I visit the Deli, heretofore different menstrual cycles synchronize with a disastrous flood of blood when I pass the door to the women's bathroom.

If I stayed home others might not come to harm -- but lo I have many deadlines to meet, two mandatory management reports to complete this afternoon, many boring but enervating responsibilities that I cannot shirk. So I'll hunker down and try not to screw up any more.

Any mushroom clouds over Stumptown will therefore be the fault of those Buddhist terrorists. I have no access to nuclear facilities.