Somebody somewhere thinks I'm a Republican. I'm not exactly sure where they got this idea. I've been registered as a Democrat for as long as I've been able to vote. I've never made a campaign contribution to a Republican. I've never even voted for a Republican in any election for a Federal office.

But I'm on some mailing list as a Republican, and every so often I cute little mailings inviting me to go to a fundraising dinner with Dick Cheney or something. I usually giggle at these, and toss them in the trash. But what I got today really took the cake.

I got a "Republican Census Form" from the Republican National Committee. The accompanying letter explains:

Enclosed is your GOP Census Document which was assigned and prepared especially for you as a representative of all Republicans living in your voting district.
...
Your answers will be used to develop a BLUEPRINT for the Republican Party for the next 10 years.

Yeah. "Representative of all Republicans living in your voting district." Well, hell, my voting district being in the heart of the People's Republic of Berkeley, some days I do feel like a right-winger, but....I suppose my responses would be too statistically insignificant to really make a difference. I'll put away my vision of the Republican party suddenly discovering a deeply held commitment to the separation church and state, a progressive income tax, and a woman's right to choose.

However, the phrasing of the survey questions make it clear that they're not really interested in people's opinions anyway. A few of the more egregious examples.

Do you support President Bush's initiatives to promote the safety and security of all Americans?

Oh, no. As a liberal Democrat, I firmly believe that all Americans ought to live in danger and fear. It builds character, doncha know.

Should small businesses be encouraged to grow and hire more workers?

Certainly not! We must make absolutely every effort to quash the creation of new jobs!

Should students, teachers, principals and administrators be held to higher standards?

Hell no! What do we need good schools for? Once we've squashed all the small businesses, there won't be anyplace for all those high-school grads to work except at McDonalds!

But here is the doozy. The very last question is "Will you join the Republican National Committee by making a contribution today?" And your choices are:

• Yes, I support the RNC and am enclosing my most generous contribution of:[bunch of checkboxes for amounts ranging from $25-500).


• Yes, I support the RNC, but I am unable to participate at this time. However, I have enclosed $11 to cover the cost of tabulating my survey.


• No, I favor electing liberal Democrats over the next ten years.

Yup, that's right folks. Unless you cough up at least $11 to the RNC, you are a disloyal Republican who must want liberal Democrats to get elected for the next ten years. Is that tacky, or what?

As soon as I stopped laughing, I went over to the Democratic National Committee and gave them $35. Because lame as my party may sometimes be, at least they've never tried to mug me in a fundraising letter. (And I get plenty of Democratic fundraising letters.)

I'm wondering if I should write to the RNC and clue them in on their error, but really, I get too much entertainment out of their mailings.