I apologize for the delay in posting this-- I wrote it in the wee morning hours of October 15, 2003. Since then, I left it on my mother's computer and moved out of state. This seems so scattered and entirely unsettled, but it is the epitome of reaching a quiet peace and understanding of who I am and where I needed to be right at that momemt. It was as if God was steeling me for the let-down of failing the bar exam the first time, which I discovered less than 24 hours later. Not to sound all religious (But I am), but The peace that I received was a higher consciousness-- fleeting and beautiful. It passed my understanding-- or at the very least my ability to fully communicate the event. I hope you enjoy it, even though I did not reach the explication that I had hoped. But here it is: My still point in the turning world.



_Stillness_

By Melissa Leigh-Hooper Starcher

Maybe it is my lack of sleep (But I think that I have acclimated to the insomnia that is my life), or maybe it is the sad movie and all the drama that seems to be swirling around me, but I understand so clearly what God*, T. S. Eliot and even those all-time corruptors of Gram Parson's California sound (The Eagles) mean. This is beyond comprehension, it is . . .solely what it is.

Sorry for the circumlocution, but this is tricky to explain, especially for me right now.

I have achieved stillness!!!!!! I am still and know**, I have learned to be still***, and I have found that still point in the turning world. And I know that I know that I know. ****

It took a while, but I realized that all the drama in my life was just spinning out of control all around me, and I just don't care. I am not really a part of it. Let it spin. I'll stay here, where it is calm and peaceful and clear.

And just to tie in one last writer, I'll address any notions that I have placed myself at the center of my universe and therefore cannot have truly found this still point (Which could be anywhere, but moving on . . . .) by paraphrasing Dante.

You see, Dante saw earth and his life as the center of the universe, around which all things, including heaven, were built. What many people fail to realize is this: Dante saw that center as the drainpipe for all the sludge and trash in the universe, so this still point in the turning world is to be kept in perspective, and not viewed as an egotrip, please.

And in my grasping of this placement, with the realization that I have reached, I see just as much incongruity as anything else, but it is all perfect and it is all removed from me. I am still. All this realization came about from a panicked, fearful, sleepless night, one of many lately. And a self-pitying thought, highly mis-mashed thought that shall remain pseudo-private. Except that all who might read this will know that it does exist. (Whatever it is.)

Whatever happens, I am right here, wherever that might be, and I am still, and I know. And I know that I know. And I am aware-- no, I KNOW that I know. It is all certain, and so am I. Even beyond certainty, I am convicted of it, to alter the common usage of the word a bit beyond the realm of decency.

Blame the sleep habits, blame the drive back from Morgantown, blame the enlightened and "realistic" chick flick that I just watched, but I still know. Maybe I am the last person to stop my carousel (I would not doubt it, most people do seem to figure this stuff out ahead of me, just like the DMV.), but this is cool. No more dizzying spinning. What I finally had to figure out was to quit quit looking at what went around me. What's the expression?-- "Don't look down!" (Of course it is, do not not answer that.) It was not just a spiral, but also a sphere. Too 3-D to try to watch. Too busy and it just does not concern me. As Bill Murray said in Meatballs, "It just doesn't matter." So what. I am not looking down, and it just does not matter.

And so, I guess nothing really has changed, it is all just a matter of where everything is in relation to me. We are all standing still, but we can allow others to make us dizzy. We move around each other like that. Pretty cool. If you can understand this, congratualtions, thank you, or get some sleep.

But it is not just about knowing, and being convinced (for lack of a better word). It is about where I am. It is not at all a bad or confusing place to be, but a certain place, and very calm. And so am I. Even after all of what must look like drivel, I am, too. I am still.

(All puns intended, not for the sake of feeble attempts at wit, but that I mean all layers of them.)

--Me







* On this topic. I do not wish to be attacked by people who know what I mean, but wish to create some chaos by saying that I believe to understand all that is God himself. (But read the letters to the Church at Corinth. I am not going to be attacked by people twisting my words. No more spinning.)

**God: "Be still and know that I am God."

*** The Eagles, "Learn to be Still."

**** T.S. Eliot-- Alluded to in "Murder in the Cathedral"