thats how i feel now. why am i blogging so often? well, there are things stuck inside me that i'd rather get out. but no one's here
to hear me out.

my sis doesnt give a damn. its not her fault really. she just thinks its not that big a deal and i shouldn't really bother myself with it. but i'm bothered.
i just am. i cannot be her. i wish i could but i cant.

its driving me insane really. this cca thing.

i feel literally torn. like there are things pulling and tugging at me inside.
so i feel like bursting all the time.
some time today, i felt sad. like i lost something. that feeling.

then sometimes, i felt happy, light. optimistic.

its not fair. why is it so easy for so many other people. i wish i could just let go.

i cannot forget how coach joe talked to me. how she said i have potential. there's nothing special. but i just remember it. but then again, i cannot shake off the lousy and shitty feeling that i have at every training. that feeling like... what the heck am i doing... i don't know i don't know. i already said i won't look back. but i cant help it.

feel like crying and smiling at the same time. maybe its something that time will mend?... maybe i'll forget all this softball business in a while. maybe maybe.

sigh.

why is my life so... troubled.

must be me and my bad karma.

sorry coach. really sorry. if there is one thing that makes me feel disgusted with myself its how i was a no-show today. i should have at least quit in person. i'm sorry. but everything was so confusing and so last minute. i had no heart. i don't think i would quit if i talked to you again. because i really respect you as coach. if i could do it all over again, i'd probably change this little bit. i'd have gone and said it to your face today. even if you would have scolded me... or shouted... or be disappointed...

and lastly, sorry coach. that i'm typing all this here. i don't have the courage to tell you.

vj softball. well... i'm sorry to say it. but the team was just... not a team while i was there. maybe contributed to my lack of attachment to it... i don't know. even when you lost, there was no saddness. no "let's go and kick butt at nationals". no "its ok vj, we'll come back".

i'm ranting.

i am sooo confused i have not been doing my homework. its been sitting in front of me.

tomorrow is a new day. guess i have to take it one step at a time.