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2011-04-09 6:06 PM Blah-g #235 No Birthday For Dr. Tunah Catfish Previous Entry :: Next Entry Read/Post Comments (0) |
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Blah-g # 235 Not Much Really There really isn’t that much to talk about. Other than me just mostly ranting about how much I hate school, how much particular friends bug the shit out of me, how much I dislike my family, generally how sick of life I am, and how I’m not really gonna get to celebrate my birthday this year. Yeah, I’m starting to really dislike going to school since that’s all I do. Then when I get home I either do my homework, clean or watch my youngest brothers then go to sleep. Wake up and do the whole cycle again. Even on the weekends. Its really starting to bug me that I hardly ever go out with MY friends mostly because two of them right now don’t have a car, and the third is in New Mexico. I’m stuck at home all the fucking time. I go to school, I get dropped off, I come back home on the bus. It’s not like I have a social life anyways? So why should it matter? I feel like I’m stuck in this never ending cycle of getting up, getting dropped off, sitting in class, coming home on the bus, watching the boys or doing housework, then homework, then sleeping. And repeating the cycle. I can’t tell my “dad” because he’ll just get pissed off since his motto is “You WILL eat shit in this world if you don’t have an education.” And I really can’t tell my mom because she’s not really any much help either with “Would you rather sit you’re ass in class for 8 hrs or be working like a dog for 8 hrs.” So there’s not really that much I can get from talking to my family. When I talk to Master its almost not much different but “You don’t have to do it.” Really bugs me because yeah I don’t have too but I want to keep my grades up and keep from failing and that just makes it feel like if I don’t do it I’m gonna just give the fuck up because I don’t fucking care anymore. I at least did talk to him about it and he won’t say that anymore. So that makes it somewhat better. I don’t know. I just feel like college isn’t the thing for me anymore. I get way too stressed out, like last semester, when I got so stressed out because of a stupid project that I started crying and almost gave myself ulcers. Hell even with this semester I’m just burning myself out. I hardly get that much sleep and when I do I wake up still feeling tired. Yeh, I even tried going to sleep at least at 9 or 10 at night and I just end up waking up at 3 or 4 even 5 am. Hell sometimes I’ll go to bed late and still wake up at 3,4,5am in the morning. So I really don’t know what to do any more. Anyways I’m also getting sick of a particular person. All this person does is say “I assure you, you are not….” Blah blah blah FUCKING BLAH! It pisses me off because I’m thinking “You know nothing about me other than what I tell you. So you have no god damn fucking right to tell me what I am or what I’m not. I’m the only one who feels what I feel. So back the fuck off. I do not know what I’m gonna do for anything anymore, like I said in the long ass paragraph above. I just don’t know what to do anymore and I’m sick of it. I feel like I am useless and I hate feeling that way. As far as my birthday goes, I plan to spend it doing homework. That’s pretty much it. I’ll be waking up to go to class which I’ll be having my math class and then my reading class, then back home to chill til 3 when we go pick up my brother from school sing happy birthday, me and mom go eat dinner and then homework til I go to sleep. Might go to get me a camera after class but I highly doubt it. We don’t have much money this month for much anyways. I even doubt I’ll be getting the Sonic Screwdriver I saw on thinkgeek.com along with the Tardis light up cell charm. Master’ll be working while I get up and in class so it’s not that bad mostly since I can’t really text him during that time anyways. He planned on getting me a birthday present too but that is gonna have to wait til after his first pay check so yeah. It wont actually be a birthday present. *shrugs* I’m also debating whether I want my mom to take me to The Curry House or to some casino for all you can eat prime rib. I’m prolly just gonna ask her to make me a big ass pot of curry for my birthday and just do that since its not really gonna be much of a celebration if I’m gonna be stuck doing homework and not seeing Master. So that bugs me but there’s nothing I can do about it. Especially since him working means he’ll be able to pay for me to go out there again this summer. Which I hope is gonna be a great time like it was last summer of course now that he’ll have a job then there won’t be much time I’ll see him in the morning but I’m usually asleep til past noon time anyways so that should be much of a bother, and I’ll have plenty of stuff to keep me busy. I also plan on spending more time with his mom and dad in the living room instead of cooped up in the room like I did last summer. I’ll also be trying to practice with my new tablet Master got me back in I think late February or early March. So I MIGHT be posting up digiart up on to my art sites, also I’ll be trying to write horror since apparently I’m ok at writing erotica. Though I think the horror is more so that I can show to everyone instead of just my friends who will say that I did good and stuff. I do have a name for a great title but I am wary to share it online because I really like this and I don’t want other people stealing it and taking credit for stolen works. As far as art and animation goes I feel pretty much dead to it after that drawing class I took last semester. Which sucks cuz I used to love to draw a lot. I still doodle slightly but nothing as good as, what I’ve got posted. If I happen to get a scanner, I’ll make sketch dumps only though. I’ve also been toying with the idea of writing only. Writing seems to be my stronger of talents I guess. So I’ll be trying to write more often. Though I wish to get feedback on what I can do to make them better, and the like since that’s what I really need. I also plan on still writing erotic fics as well as horror. I also figured out that if I don’t have pen and paper with me, or my netbook I can always just write it as a note on my phone and then later just transcribe it into my word or into my google documents. I will also be saving my documents to google since I can access them anywhere and I wouldn’t really have to worry about losing my files that I need for my writing. Also reminds me I need to transfer more stuff to my external hard drive. I’ve also been doing a lot of thinking on stuff and I’ve come to the conclusion that I cant be Lolita. It would bother me too much to be stared at by other men. I don’t mean I won’t ever dress nice when its required but I don’t think I could do it as a lifestyle. Especially when you think about how I’ve always been the tomboy, goth, metal-head and I just cant see myself as much of Lolita unless it was a gothic Lolita though as much as I could pull that off I just wouldn’t be comfortable doing it. Which brings us to my next point, after much deliberation and soul searching I guess I have come to face that I am more or less lesbian. It makes a lot of sense that when I was younger I was always attracted to females and then when I was abused it pretty much turned me away from men almost completely but I then met Master and of course have been with him since that last of my abusers. Well with the exception of my family who mentally and emotionally abuse me and that if it weren’t for the fact that I’m with him I would be with a woman and I’ve come to terms with it. I am happy with the fact that this is who I am. I am proud that I can come to this point in my life and not really have to have it bother me that even though I am truly happy being with Master but at the same time that I wish to be with other females as well. Anywho it seems as if I need to put this blog to a close at least for this week. I really am trying to write my blog more often since this is the only really thing that helps me calm down and I’m able to do without punishment from my family or Master. Not that Master would punish me for writing how I feel. LOL. Which reminds me Master wishes to be much more I guess Masterly towards me and that makes me really happy. Because that is what I want from him and that is what I need. Mostly because it makes me happy knowing that he can agree to do this just to make me happy. I know that he does want to do the whole M/s to an extent but not to the extent, I want to do. I am happy he can put aside the part that doesn’t want to do this and to do it just to make me happy. And for that I am grateful more than he knows. Anyways I guess this is a good place to end today’s blog for now. I hope to be able to update soon and as much as I have written today. |
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