Well, guess I am back to my old mood... Now I can see that things will never really change. I am an idiot for hoping that they would. It's all the same, and that's how it is always going to be...

Guess I'll just write it out how it is. So I made that other entry bout my b-day. At first, I got a comment, but then suddenly it was gone, before I had any chance to reply. Sometimes, it does take me a little while to think what to say. Yeah, I am a slow thinker at times. Then I went to check out Sophie's journal, only to find that I am not allowed to comment on the newest entry. As well as all other entries, for that matter. That was the start of my mood going downhill. I thought, maybe it is a mistake, or some technical error. Things like that happen, happened in past too. I thought I'll just wait a little, and went to Gaia. And then, Anna told me that Sophie was online today. At first I couldn't believe it, since I knew she'd left the site. So I looked up the account. Turned out it was true. And it turned out that I got removed from friendlist. Well... That moment I am not going to describe. I felt horrible.

Now I know what you are thinking, I removed her first. Yeah, I did, but there were reasons to that. First off, I like it organized in certain way. And I mean not the order of entries, but the fact that I like to keep people who I talk to on the list. Yeah, I realize it may rub people wrong way, but seriously, if person in the list doesn't want to talk to you, then there really is no point in keeping the account on the list. Notice that I say account, not person. And especially considering that I was blocked off from entrance to her profile for a long time now. I just really was sure that she was never coming back anymore, especially given her opinion of the site. Secondly, if I knew she would be coming, I'd add her right back in with joy. Like I said, I didn't remove her out of bad will, at all. I'd be really happy if she did come back, honestly. And thirdly, we always had this place, Journalscape. It's what made me to create it in first place. And she didn't like gaia anyway... I mean, why care that somebody removed you at the site that you yourself do not care about anymore and not plan returning to, when you have that person on another website, of much different level, where he shares secrets of his life and inner world with you? Only you alone? With what we had here, why even worry about gaia? I just don't get it... And last thing, is the one that really put me into depression. She didn't had time to come and congratulate me and Anna on our birthdays... But she had time to come and remove me without saying anything, just a day later... A single day. Yeah... It just feels to me as if it's a thing done out of revenge. Why even do that? I did alot of crazy stuff in the past, but I wouldn't do something like that...

One thing I really don't understand in people. If they have a problem with me, or my action, why not come and talk it out with me? Almost always it turns out that things that people think I did on purpose, on bad will, turn out to be either mistakes, in which case I apologize, or they just understood me wrong. If they just told me, all the pain and depression could be avoided. But no... It's always easier to do something behind one's back... And then it causes much more pain later on... Yeah, I may be dramatic at times, but it is not on purpose. Mainly, I believe, it is because of my inner world, and writer's side, that I don't get to express in real life. But I don't think I do it all that bad when discussing... It's not like I scream or curse. I am always calm. And it is that way in real life, too. It is not possible to get anywhere without talking... And don't think I am stupid, please.

So now what? I wish I knew. I feel really shitty, and don't expect that to change. This life... People... I really feel that I can't take it anymore. Too much crap going on for one guy. I tried to try and understand why I am getting all the things I am getting... Guess I really am that horrible of a person to everyone. How else can I explain why people treat me this way? I just don't understand... Maybe I am stupid, after all...

If it's that other entry... Well, it wasn't aimed directly at anyone. Yeah, I was a bit sad that she didn't said anything. Of course I'd be happier if she did. But I was more upset that people around me like my sister and people around me just flat out ignored it. I only dreamed to feel special, remembered, and loved, at least for one day... Yeah, that retard Stan with his retarded dreams...

Yeah, don't really know what more to say. I realize I may get hated for writing all this, but how much worse can it get, really... I already don't feel like continuing with my life, that's how empty and useless it feels at this moment. I already am hated, not understanding why, so how worse can it go, really. Maybe I should just disappear forever. Yeah, people always say I'll be missed and such, but the problem is it is actions that matter. And people's actions show me completely different picture. I just don't get what am I doing wrong. I always tried to be as good as I can to everyone, and all I get is hate in return... I am never good enough to anyone... Don't belong in this society and this world...

Well, this day was total garbage, if not for one fact. On my YouTube account, Arnej added me as a friend. When I sent an request, I honestly was not expecting much, but today I logged in, and whoa. He's one of my most favorite trance producers, so having him accept me is a really big thing to me. It totally made my otherwise shitty day. I was even considering getting rid of my YouTube account before that, now I may just keep it. For however long it may be.

Gonna leave this entry open, since I am an honest guy, and I believe others always should have the opportunity to speak out their mind. Don't know what else to do, this is just how I feel, if people will choose to hate me for it, not much I can do...