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I feel like I have been immersed in something which has just spat me out and here I am again, reeling, but back in my own little world.

I realise that I've been totally failing to engage with YD when she talks about her wedding, which is happening this summer - assuming that I would move out of this place of grief with plenty of time to enter the world of joyfulness and be a helpful ma with regard to the wedding. But it's not good enough - YD is heartbroken that she doesn't have her sister at her side to chat and plan with, nor her best friend and art-buddy (who died last summer, very suddenly and shockingly) who totally 'got' what YD meant when she said she wanted it a bit avant-garde. Which none of the rest of us do.

Still, we've talked it through and I'm paying attention now. There's a field and a yurt and camping and a band and a fire and a hog-roast, so it's all good, though we do have to come up with a vegetarian equivalent in deliciousness to the hog-roast. But not till June.

Today, at last, I got to see my doctor. She told me to throw all the sleeping pills away and has put me on a three weeks run of a regular 4mg of valium and a sedating anti-histamine, to settle it all down as apparently there's loads of different 'half-lives' to consider when you mix it up like I've been doing. I can't manage to sort it out in my head enough to write about it, but I'm logging it here so I know when it happened and we'll see how it goes. I've been jittery as fuck though.

I got myself a new phone - the first new new phone I've had since, I realise, 2000. It's all been someone else's because they've upgraded, for which I am very grateful, but I want to do geocaching so I need to be connected for longer than the twenty minutes I've had before the battery dies. And there was a deal whereby it won't cost me anything because I'll save on my landline bill by getting free 0845 calls (benefits lines - you have to hold, sometimes for over an hour, at 14p a minute). It's a Sony blah blah blah, but so far I haven't taken it out of the box - enough mental challenges for one day.

The doctor says it will take a long time to feel anything like normal again, whatever the fuck that means. Thanks, doc.

Today I am grateful for: kindness; finding a stew in the freezer that I can defrost for tomorrow; not feeling so adrift with the sleeping pill situation; my fleecy dress, keeping me snug as a bug; a loan of a highly recommended stop-smoking book - I'm building up to opening it

Sweet dreams xxx

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